There seems to be a theme going on right now. This is basically hard evidence that summer has officially set in for me. I have way too much time to contemplate and complain (and now vlog AND blog) about my situations. Let’s dive in again, shall we?
Attraction begins on the surface level. Do you like what you see? Yes? Now you want it. No? Try again somewhere else. I think many people want to meet someone that they’re physically attracted to and then find that their personality fits like a puzzle piece with theirs. Sounds pretty nice to me. I’m also one of those people, so… But there is this epidemic that just sweeps the world and I don’t understand it for the life of me: wanting what you can’t have. More specifically tailored to my case: straight crushes!
Over the course of the last year (my Junior year of college) I experienced three straight crushes, mostly simultaneously. The first guy to be subject to this madness (unknowingly) is ADY. That’s what I call him on Twitter, at least. Brooding, curly haired, well-dressed man that never said anything to me; I only know he’s beautiful. What the fuck am I doing!? I don’t know him but I was so willing to get to know him. Eventually it annoyed me so much that I started to hate his beauty, and now it’s no longer a crush. I just want to touch his hair. And if he kissed me, I’d probably be REALLY cool with that…
Guy #2 is the odd one out; let’s call him Pro. He’s a vulgar little shit, and it entertains me to no end. So two girls in my friend group had a thing for Pro at the very beginning of the year, and my fascination kicked me in the throat near the end of the first semester. He’s not classically handsome, he’s kind of an asshole, he’s sarcastic, he’s done drugs: this kid is clearly not where I usually set my sights. The nice guys are definitely a weak spot of mine. But I fell for him, and it’s the most ridiculous, embarrassing thing. He had no idea, but we pretty much flirt all the time. I regularly tell him his ass is great, and waft him after he showers because he always smell like something I should be all over. I secretly think he likes the attention, but wishes I had boobs. At this point, I only kind of enjoy his company. Mostly it’s a reminder of how stupid I can be to fall for a straight guy, who is/was also in the sights of one of my other friends as well.
Guy #3 is my FAVORITE of the straight guy crushes! This is a bad sign as well. We’ll call him Stud. He is all the world’s positive phrases and hope and kindness, wrapped in a beautiful man. I hate it so much, and all I want to do is get close to him. This guy, fuck him, right? I know him from a class where he kindly held the door open for me, and complimented me on a necklace (I was destined to lose this fight). So I reached out and tried to make non-creepy contact. We’re now Facebook friends and have had lunch occasionally. This is the worst of the straight crushes. I’m not used to interacting with men, so when I do and they say things like “Miss you” through a text or something equally nice, but friendly, I don’t know if that’s flirting or if he’s literally just actually a nice guy. He interacts with people like I interact with people. That doesn’t mean he’s gay, but I wanted it mean he was gay! I don’t know where I’m at with that Stud. I was trying to tell myself bad things about him so I’d like him less, but it didn’t work. The worst I could come up with is that he’s positive all the time and that would probably get annoying to date. WHAT?!
What does one get from having feelings for someone who is clearly unavailable to them? All it does is lead to wasted time trying to court them, and then an extremely unpleasant experience trying to get over them. And it’s not just gay men with straight men. It’s lesbians with straight women, straight men with lesbians, straight women with gay men, etc. I can’t understand it, but I also can’t stop. We’re smart people, I’ll give us that one, so why can’t we make a conscious choice to love someone who can love us back the way we actually want? If I was learning something from falling for dazzling heteros, then I could see it. But instead of making me feel like a stronger, more confident, knowledgeable person, I really just feel like I don’t know how to function in society.