Still Making Mistakes

I need a moment to just let it all out. Would you humor me for a spell, please?

As you may or may not know, I’ve had and still am having a difficult time with this abstract, pain in the ass subject known as Love. I’ve had a few chances with men back at college, and I turned them down because it didn’t feel right. No problem: you do what feels right, right? Being here on vacation in Germany for a few months, I made an online profile hoping to meet people my age to hang out with so I’m not just on the Internet 24/7. And I have met a few people who aren’t creepy and that I would hang out with in real life. F, who I’ve mentioned in a previous post, was my first crush that might actually work in a very long time. I guess a year isn’t really that long, but it felt long enough. So I had reservations about even admitting to having a thing for him. Our relationship seems to have trailed off: he’s busy with life and I can’t be mad at him for that and I’m not. But while “courting” (I guess) F, I met someone we’ll call Al. Strictly friends is how it started and I was perfectly okay with that. He was on trips with friends and living it up and we were communicating via this website where we had profiles: super friendly and polite.

This is a terrible recount of my life, I apologize.

So I met him in person for the first time on a Saturday. He showed me around the nearby city he lives in, we watched some tv at his apartment, he made me a drink: it was lovely! And then he kissed me. It wasn’t hard to miss. I saw him and I thought “I find him more attractive than I figured I would” and it was just easy to be with him, you know? So when he kissed me, I didn’t resist and I kissed him back. What the hell, right? And that began the spiraling down. And this is pitiful and pathetic, but it happened and now I’m dealing with it. I have a crush on Al, and so many things scream out to me as alarms, but something keeps saying “It’s okay to give it a try.” I’m half-listening and half checked-out.

We’re at two different points in life in two different countries and I just can’t see it working, but I want it to! Or to at least have the chance to fail at it. I thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday and riding that train home all I could do was smile thinking about kissing him. I waited a few days afterward to contact him and we chatted less than briefly. I invited him to watch Despicable Me 2 with me because we bonded over the trailer and he said he’d like to watch it. So I was hoping maybe he’d try to make plans for this weekend. I haven’t heard from him. So I’m trying not to panic, but this almost makes me think that I was originally in my right mind. I shouldn’t be trying for anything with anyone at this point in life. I’ve a year left of college before I uproot my life in Minnesota and move in with my roommate out-of-state. I don’t have roots ANYWHERE and finding someone to care about in a foreign country may just be a heartache I couldn’t handle.

I’m at a loss. What I want and what I think are best aren’t the same thing. Who’s to say he’s even really into me?
I’m panicking because I let go and now I’ll have to pick up the pieces before anything even has the chance to happen.
Fuck.

Advertisements

What You Don’t Know About Me

So this is based on a Daily Prompt from WordPress. If you click the hyperlink, it’ll take you right to the prompt page for July 3.  This is my first daily prompt, and it’s also the first one I’ve seen where I immediately knew what I could write about. So here goes nothing.

It’ll have been two years ago in October I believe, that I became even more afraid of the world than I already was. My now ex-boyfriend and I rode some NiceRide bikes from campus downtown to Target. We had some things we wanted to get and made it an adventure since it was so nice out. After shopping, we had dinner at Chipotle and by this time, it was getting dark outside. We could either ride bikes back to campus and withstand the chill that was coming or we could walk down the street and catch a bus back to campus. Thinking it’d be easier and faster, we chose to take the bus. While walking down the street, distracted by putting our hands in his hoodie pocket, a large group of men approached us from across the street, obviously disturbed by the slight display of homosexuality. We had some haters and we were terrified. We did our best to not provoke them and tried to continue walking, but we couldn’t shake them. They started pushing and swinging and that’s how my first mugging started.

I took off running but soon realized that my ex wasn’t behind me. Terrified for him, I ran back to help. They pushed him down and got a few good kicks to his side. I grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him behind me. We ran all the way to the bus stop and called the cops when we got there. They didn’t pursue us and when the police finally decided to show up, the suspects were nowhere to be found. They were actually going to leave us and make us take the bus and I told them they were taking us back to our dorm. In the back of the squad car, I was fine but my ex seemed to be losing his mind. This role reversed within days: I’m kind of a late bloomer, I guess. I called our friends and had them meet us in the lobby, just to make sure we didn’t die when pulling up. I thanked the rather rude females that answered our call and that’s how I became the open, yet closeted, homosexual I am today! Thank you massive group of assholes downtown. I don’t know what I would have done without you.

I only told my close friends and family that we were attacked that day. And even though the ex convinced me to be interviewed with him for an article for the campus newspaper, I’m still very much scared to venture downtown for any reason and I’d rather spend $30 to take a taxi somewhere than about $2 to take the bus. I don’t talk about it because I’m actually a little nervous that whoever did that might find out how to get to me again. But it’s an important story to share and we need to protect ourselves. So I do share, and I do feel afraid, but I do believe it’ll be helpful in the long run.