Still Making Mistakes

I need a moment to just let it all out. Would you humor me for a spell, please?

As you may or may not know, I’ve had and still am having a difficult time with this abstract, pain in the ass subject known as Love. I’ve had a few chances with men back at college, and I turned them down because it didn’t feel right. No problem: you do what feels right, right? Being here on vacation in Germany for a few months, I made an online profile hoping to meet people my age to hang out with so I’m not just on the Internet 24/7. And I have met a few people who aren’t creepy and that I would hang out with in real life. F, who I’ve mentioned in a previous post, was my first crush that might actually work in a very long time. I guess a year isn’t really that long, but it felt long enough. So I had reservations about even admitting to having a thing for him. Our relationship seems to have trailed off: he’s busy with life and I can’t be mad at him for that and I’m not. But while “courting” (I guess) F, I met someone we’ll call Al. Strictly friends is how it started and I was perfectly okay with that. He was on trips with friends and living it up and we were communicating via this website where we had profiles: super friendly and polite.

This is a terrible recount of my life, I apologize.

So I met him in person for the first time on a Saturday. He showed me around the nearby city he lives in, we watched some tv at his apartment, he made me a drink: it was lovely! And then he kissed me. It wasn’t hard to miss. I saw him and I thought “I find him more attractive than I figured I would” and it was just easy to be with him, you know? So when he kissed me, I didn’t resist and I kissed him back. What the hell, right? And that began the spiraling down. And this is pitiful and pathetic, but it happened and now I’m dealing with it. I have a crush on Al, and so many things scream out to me as alarms, but something keeps saying “It’s okay to give it a try.” I’m half-listening and half checked-out.

We’re at two different points in life in two different countries and I just can’t see it working, but I want it to! Or to at least have the chance to fail at it. I thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday and riding that train home all I could do was smile thinking about kissing him. I waited a few days afterward to contact him and we chatted less than briefly. I invited him to watch Despicable Me 2 with me because we bonded over the trailer and he said he’d like to watch it. So I was hoping maybe he’d try to make plans for this weekend. I haven’t heard from him. So I’m trying not to panic, but this almost makes me think that I was originally in my right mind. I shouldn’t be trying for anything with anyone at this point in life. I’ve a year left of college before I uproot my life in Minnesota and move in with my roommate out-of-state. I don’t have roots ANYWHERE and finding someone to care about in a foreign country may just be a heartache I couldn’t handle.

I’m at a loss. What I want and what I think are best aren’t the same thing. Who’s to say he’s even really into me?
I’m panicking because I let go and now I’ll have to pick up the pieces before anything even has the chance to happen.
Fuck.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s