Look Who’s A Big Idiot

So there was a change in the universe for like five seconds and just like that, it all reverted back to the usual.

I fell for a gay man who also liked me. I’m using past tense because it really needs to be past tense. In reality, it’s actually still in progress. So here’s the story:

I made an online profile before coming to Germany in hopes of meeting some interesting, non-creepy people to hang out with. Also, I wanted some partners in crime to go to Amsterdam Gay Pride. In the midst of being hit on by sixty-five year old men, I did find a few nice men to talk with. The subject of this story actually started as a friendship. When we met online, he was getting ready to go to the US and take a road trip with his friends. We kept in touch occasionally with messages. He’s a super sweet, funny, nice guy. Clearly my usual type. When he returned, we actually met in person. It was much more than I bargained for, but it left me CRAVING more. Craving, y’all. When he kissed me, I’m pretty sure I could have melted into a chocolate puddle. This is the beginning of the end.

Fast-forwarding through this story: we continued talking through messages after our first meeting. He traveled for work, and I live my life, determined not to give in too strongly to this feeling of “a crush.” But I failed, and just let it settle down over me. Before when it seemed scary, I started looking at it -looking at him- as though this could be really amazing. Recently, as in this previous Sunday or Monday, I sent him a message admitting to him how I felt about him (we had another meeting this previous Saturday). He was flattered, and admitted to liking me as well. The only thing: we both have the same reservations, which is my leaving in two weeks and living in a different country. He doesn’t want to put too much into an Us with me because I’m not here.

I’ve done some stupid things in my twenty-one years of life, but I don’t think they’ve ever resonated so soundly as this one. Who the FUCK am I have fallen for a German man, who is eleven years my senior by the way, when I don’t even live in the country, nor speak the damn language? For the past two days, the thought crosses my mind and I just kind of wince and scream a little on the inside. As you may know, it’s been a while since I’ve had a legitimate crush on someone who is 1) attainable and 2) attracted to me as well. When I finally decide to relax and let life happen, I get punched in the throat. Like, what the hell?!

All of this seems like I’m whining and being a victim. I’ll admit I do feel like a victim, but it’s my own damn fault. I can’t control my emotions. But it’s just very interesting to me how things turn out. It all seemed to be going so well, and then it’s actually something that I’m doing for myself that’s a roadblock between us. Have I mentioned that I fantasized about us dating and his coming to visit me in the states? No? Probably for the best.

Needless to say my pretend relationship is failing. We’re still friends though. That’s…something.


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