Always the Outsider

Today was the birthday of a friend of mine. She had a few friends over and freed a little by some alcohol we had consumed, she kissed a guy. Very handsome. Very tall. Smart-ass kind of guy. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t reject her, but I became hyper aware of myself as I usually am in party situations.

I’ve never been to a party where I felt like I could just cut loose and not give a fuck, you know? Heterosexual people (not that you’re all the same and not that all gay men are all the same) just have this ability where it’s okay to randomly kiss a hot stranger for no reason. Women kiss men all the time and vice versa. But never have I ever been to a party where I saw a hot guy and just kissed him because I thought he was attractive.¬†

It’s inherent that heterosexuals can do this, because it’s just assumed that everyone is hetero unless otherwise stated. And it’s bothering me that I feel obligated to just kinda chill in the corner while everyone else gets the chance to make a pass at the hottie.

What am I even saying?!

The party atmosphere isn’t a place I inhabit often, but when I do visit, it’s probably with a bunch of females dressed to the nines and a bunch of guys decked out in college gear trying to score with the girls. Little old me should probably be at home watching a Rom-Com on Netflix.

These posts have gone severely down-hill. My voice is shot and my words are crippled.
My apologies.

Him.

It’s been almost two months since the last time I saw him. Al.

At this point, usually crushes have begun to fizzle out, but something about this one continues to live. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m REALLY not sure if I want to admit anything about it. But then again, I’m here writing this post. That means I’m at least ready to entertain the idea.

At what point does a crush become more than just a crush? What constitutes something other than a crush? This could all very well still be within the crush phase of things: I smile when I receive a message from him; I panic when I receive a message from him and wait five minutes so it doesn’t seem like I was waiting for a response; I think about him randomly throughout a day; song lyrics can make me smile because I’m remembering something involving him; I miss him in a terrible, maybe irrational way. Clearly I have something bad.

I’m very hesitant to claim it as love because there’s no telling if he even cares about me that way anymore. Kissing lips smileys don’t necessarily add up to “You often cross my mind.” Just because I’ve failed to let go of something that happened in what could be defined as a “summer fling” doesn’t mean that he has not. He’s in his 30s! I assume he’s more emotionally stable than me (doesn’t take much, honestly).

It just worries me that I’ve attached myself more that I’m away than when I was there. I just miss him and I want to know that it’s just because we shared a beautiful few months; not because I’m in love. That’s not a good option. It’s not the easily feasible option.

When have I ever done anything easily?

Finding Where One Belongs

*I’m letting this one out into the universe because 1) The lost feelings are still mighty relevant months later and 2) It’s not as terrible as I originally thought.

I’m twenty-one years old and I still don’t know where I belong.

I’ve been a military child since I was about seven and my family has moved about every three years since then. It’s not the best way to make lifelong friends, although possible. But today, I really started feeling that there’s no spot in the world just for me. Anyone could sit here and write this post, only I arrived here first.

Recently I confessed that I have a crush on Al. He’s an older guy, thirty-one, but I’m crushing hard. Today I met him for the second official time for a little date. I was hoping that I’d be able to make it obvious how I felt and maybe get a clear reading on where he was with his feelings, you know? But I feel like I wasn’t the only one vying for Al’s attention. Which is fine: we’re not dating (although a guy can dream) so he’s not off-limits. But aside from that fact, I just feel like I killed any chance of being able to be with him period; one more place I don’t fit or belong.

– I was offered the chance to spend the night with him and to attend a music festival happening in the city tonight. I had to refuse his offer and ended up on a train home so I could unhappily go to church before it was officially stated that I could actually make my own choice without negative consequences. Thus, I didn’t get to show why I’m a good catch or anything. I didn’t get to dance with him as I’d hoped. I didn’t get to cuddle. I’m upset about it, not gonna lie. –

Back to my point: I don’t speak German, so why did I think that I’d be able to meet a nice German guy who I desired and desired me back? I’m probably not even coming back to the country any time soon after I leave at the end of August. I don’t really fit here in my own house anymore. I want to make my own decisions and feel certain ways, but because I’m under my parents’ roof, I have to follow the rules and all that jazz. Even at college, I don’t feel I belong. I hate my major; I’m not the most well-informed person nor the most involved; I feel like I’m the annoying friend when I’m not trying to be.

All these places I haunt regularly. If I don’t fit there, where the hell¬†do I fit? I’m not sure I know how to find out. All of this is terrifying and actually painful. Al and I probably won’t become a cute long distance couple. He’ll never come visit me in the states. This is my last time living at home for a while because I plan on moving out and growing up. And college: I’ve only a year left. I don’t fit now, with the major almost completed.

I’m out of options and all I have now are a lot of empty places in my heart.