Finding Where One Belongs

*I’m letting this one out into the universe because 1) The lost feelings are still mighty relevant months later and 2) It’s not as terrible as I originally thought.

I’m twenty-one years old and I still don’t know where I belong.

I’ve been a military child since I was about seven and my family has moved about every three years since then. It’s not the best way to make lifelong friends, although possible. But today, I really started feeling that there’s no spot in the world just for me. Anyone could sit here and write this post, only I arrived here first.

Recently I confessed that I have a crush on Al. He’s an older guy, thirty-one, but I’m crushing hard. Today I met him for the second official time for a little date. I was hoping that I’d be able to make it obvious how I felt and maybe get a clear reading on where he was with his feelings, you know? But I feel like I wasn’t the only one vying for Al’s attention. Which is fine: we’re not dating (although a guy can dream) so he’s not off-limits. But aside from that fact, I just feel like I killed any chance of being able to be with him period; one more place I don’t fit or belong.

– I was offered the chance to spend the night with him and to attend a music festival happening in the city tonight. I had to refuse his offer and ended up on a train home so I could unhappily go to church before it was officially stated that I could actually make my own choice without negative consequences. Thus, I didn’t get to show why I’m a good catch or anything. I didn’t get to dance with him as I’d hoped. I didn’t get to cuddle. I’m upset about it, not gonna lie. –

Back to my point: I don’t speak German, so why did I think that I’d be able to meet a nice German guy who I desired and desired me back? I’m probably not even coming back to the country any time soon after I leave at the end of August. I don’t really fit here in my own house anymore. I want to make my own decisions and feel certain ways, but because I’m under my parents’ roof, I have to follow the rules and all that jazz. Even at college, I don’t feel I belong. I hate my major; I’m not the most well-informed person nor the most involved; I feel like I’m the annoying friend when I’m not trying to be.

All these places I haunt regularly. If I don’t fit there, where the hell do I fit? I’m not sure I know how to find out. All of this is terrifying and actually painful. Al and I probably won’t become a cute long distance couple. He’ll never come visit me in the states. This is my last time living at home for a while because I plan on moving out and growing up. And college: I’ve only a year left. I don’t fit now, with the major almost completed.

I’m out of options and all I have now are a lot of empty places in my heart.


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