Down and Out

I saw something posted online somewhere, probably Tumblr, that when you’re feeling alone, finding a body to fill the space won’t negate the loneliness. You’ll still wake up the next day and they will still leave. They may hold your hand now, but it’s only temporary. Basically, we shouldn’t be looking for temporary fixes to problems of loneliness.

And I like that statement. I agree with that.

I’ve spent a large part of my life thinking that something is going to come along and make it better, but that’s more likely to be wrong than true. And even more recently, I’ve been feeling the pit of loneliness in my stomach opening up and working it’s hardest to swallow me whole. And I literally just asked myself, “Would just a body do the trick, or would you be compensating for something more?” And I think More is the answer. However nice having someone close to me might be right now at 3:30am on a Friday, a temporary body won’t make me feel better tomorrow evening when I’m done with my work week.

It’s been a very rough couple of weeks, but also positive, but one is clearly winning. I’m approaching the end of my rope and I’ve forgotten how to tie a knot to hold on. My emotions are running ragged, I’m constantly tired: I’m just reaching the finish line way too early. But while I’m overwhelmed with searching for jobs and places I can afford to live after college, I’m also worried about my classes because these are the final classes I need to graduate in May. And if I fail even one, I’m stuck here for another semester. But surprisingly to myself, I’ve done well on things I’ve turned in so far. So while I have cause to celebrate, all I can seem to think about is how terrifying this post-college void is going to be.

And don’t even get me started on the guy. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve seen the tweets. Just…yeah.

I’ve been away for a while, and just wanted to hopefully say something important. It’s lonely now, but I have every hope and intention of walking through the fire and coming out the other side, wielding it to my advantage. I’ve no idea how, but since when do I ever?

Being positive is hard, but I’m hoping it’s worth doing.