.3 Love Isn’t Always Romantic

Today I tweeted this: “He called me and we talked about life. I think he’s sad that I’m leaving. And I love it. We’re hanging out tomorrow.”

It’s fascinating how close you can get to a single person. We’ve been friends for about a year, talking and getting to know each other here and there, and he makes me feel completely comfortable. Even when I want to tell him embarrassing things about how I feel about him, it’s still easier to tell him than it has been with anyone else I’ve had feelings for. How amazing is that?!

Can I say this is love? I’m telling you I love him. Surprise.

He sent me a text this evening saying, “hey honey, can I call you?” And it was hilarious to me because he never calls me and I could feel the smile on my face after reading it. Fast-forward: there was a moment during our phone call when I realized that I could lay claim to love NotBoyfriend.
I was pacing outside our hotel in my socks, left arm folded across my chest against the cold, right hand holding a little phone to my ear. He was chatting away with his adorable German accent (sounding a little drunk actually) talking about life. And I was completely into it. It was just nice to know I was on the phone with him, you know? But we talked about life and started making plans to hang out tomorrow (Monday), my last day in Germany indefinitely. He said it was just hitting him that I was leaving. And he sounded a little sad. And I’m both thrilled by this (because I made a mark just as he’s made a mark on me) and also saddened. Because if he’s near where I am, then this parting won’t be easy for him either.

This is the most peace I’ve had about being in love with him, and having to leave all my chances of happiness with him behind, in weeks. I had the realization that Love isn’t always going to be the romantic kind. I saw a quote today (probably from Tumblr) that said soulmates aren’t what we think they are. Ugh I can’t even misquote the damn thing. Just trust me! It’s super relevant to this post and what I’m going on about. NotBoyfriend might be my soulmate in every sense of the word except that we probably won’t live happily ever after together. I’m in love with him and he is in like with me and that is okay. I will be okay.

Even though sometimes it hurts now, I’m glad to have him in any way he’s willing to give himself.

.2 Temporary is Relative

How long is “temporary?”

This has been a word that I’ve become very acquainted with over the past few months. It is both hope and an obstacle. Specific and hella vague. Just how much time does “temporary” cover?

It’s all relative. Temporary in the space of a month could be a single day or two weeks. In the space of five years: a single month or two years. Everything in the world is fake. We just have to suspend belief well enough to survive.

I’m currently on a five-month plan. Within the next month, I want to get a full-time job and start saving money. At the end of the year/beginning of next year (approximately five months), I want to move out of my parents’ place and start my singular adult life. Five months is temporary in the span of my life (which is hopefully much longer than these five months!). This month between college and working full-time is momentary as well. I just have trouble remembering that. Although I want to work hard and get things done, there’s really nothing I can do from here. Things will change once the move is over.

I’m not very pleased with the thoughts I’ve been having. Hopefully something more interesting and well thought-out will arise for tomorrow’s journal-esque entry.

Thanks for reading.

.1 Blips

I’m in the middle of another relocation of my life. As many times as I’ve done this, you’d think I’d be quite good at it. I’m not.

This month between graduating college and moving to North Carolina was supposed to be something of a vacation for me. In actuality, I’ve spent majority of the time worrying about needing to find a job and how to get out of my parents’ house as soon as possible. It’s a logical thing to be here now, but I’m not a fan at all. But with my current plan (work full-time and save entire paychecks for the next five months) I should be able to save enough to get my own place in NC or go somewhere I’d actually like to be.

Regardless, I think I’m going to take a moment every day (except for like the 1-2 of July) to write about something that happened that day. A throwback to the days of keeping a journal on the web. Documenting my life in another way and exercising my writing skills all at once. If I wrote something about today, it’d be pretty sad as that’s how I’ve been for a while, but whatever!

Welcome (again) and thanks for reading.

Strangers

Fancy seeing you here. You’re always here, but me? I’ve been gone for quite some time: four months to be exact. And you know when I come around here? When shit is going down in my life. So let’s catch up.

Since my last post, I tried selling myself the best way I could to get a job post-college and failed. One callback that didn’t even give me an interview because I didn’t have reliable transportation (fair enough). Four-ish different apartments that seemed like great fits only to be too much to afford from the get-go: counted as another failure. Started bartending training in March, didn’t get to finish because I was ill for a week and also lacking bus-fare for another week. Graduated college (yay!) in mid-May. Currently I find myself living at home with my parents in Germany for approximately another three weeks before the entire family moves to North Carolina where I’ll probably be for another year. I’m not excited. I’m not pleased. Absolutely nothing has turned out how I wanted it to. Aside from graduating with a 3.0 GPA. Literally the only thing.

And so! I come to you tonight (this morning) after having a beautiful date with a wonderful guy,who dealt with my heart carefully (I still find it unraveling, following suit of my life). It’s so interesting that I have this mostly solid head on my shoulders, but I cannot fathom a way to justify all of these feelings. I understand why everything is the way it is, and they all make logical sense, but the anger and the disappointment and the sinking feeling in my chest will not be satiated. Maybe because every time, I was so close.

Apartment? Cosigner fell through and the complex needed a double deposit instead. Wouldn’t have had it at the time of move-in, but a week after, I’d have been golden.
Job? Needed a car. Don’t have a current US license because it expired while I was overseas. Don’t have an address to get a new one with.
Boy? We are literally living in two different worlds and an ocean-wide long distance relationship is not on his lists of things to do. If we weren’t leaving Germany, then maybe.

I’m complaining a lot, I know. Things could be worse, and are in a variety of places all around. But tonight I’m just fed up. I wasn’t cutting corners; life just wanted a good fuck and I happened to be the best lay in town. Maybe I should be flattered. NotBoyfriend is just the block that toppled the tower. I was hanging on well and making piece with being at home when I was fighting to stay away but now it’s just all gone to shit. Mother insists that I go to church every Sunday with her, and I want to pull her hair with love for throwing me in every damn time but that’s the price I’m paying. And boy, do I feel like I’m paying.

I’m alive. I’m safe and cared for. Ultimately, things are perfect. I’m just severely unfulfilled.