Strangers

Fancy seeing you here. You’re always here, but me? I’ve been gone for quite some time: four months to be exact. And you know when I come around here? When shit is going down in my life. So let’s catch up.

Since my last post, I tried selling myself the best way I could to get a job post-college and failed. One callback that didn’t even give me an interview because I didn’t have reliable transportation (fair enough). Four-ish different apartments that seemed like great fits only to be too much to afford from the get-go: counted as another failure. Started bartending training in March, didn’t get to finish because I was ill for a week and also lacking bus-fare for another week. Graduated college (yay!) in mid-May. Currently I find myself living at home with my parents in Germany for approximately another three weeks before the entire family moves to North Carolina where I’ll probably be for another year. I’m not excited. I’m not pleased. Absolutely nothing has turned out how I wanted it to. Aside from graduating with a 3.0 GPA. Literally the only thing.

And so! I come to you tonight (this morning) after having a beautiful date with a wonderful guy,who dealt with my heart carefully (I still find it unraveling, following suit of my life). It’s so interesting that I have this mostly solid head on my shoulders, but I cannot fathom a way to justify all of these feelings. I understand why everything is the way it is, and they all make logical sense, but the anger and the disappointment and the sinking feeling in my chest will not be satiated. Maybe because every time, I was so close.

Apartment? Cosigner fell through and the complex needed a double deposit instead. Wouldn’t have had it at the time of move-in, but a week after, I’d have been golden.
Job? Needed a car. Don’t have a current US license because it expired while I was overseas. Don’t have an address to get a new one with.
Boy? We are literally living in two different worlds and an ocean-wide long distance relationship is not on his lists of things to do. If we weren’t leaving Germany, then maybe.

I’m complaining a lot, I know. Things could be worse, and are in a variety of places all around. But tonight I’m just fed up. I wasn’t cutting corners; life just wanted a good fuck and I happened to be the best lay in town. Maybe I should be flattered. NotBoyfriend is just the block that toppled the tower. I was hanging on well and making piece with being at home when I was fighting to stay away but now it’s just all gone to shit. Mother insists that I go to church every Sunday with her, and I want to pull her hair with love for throwing me in every damn time but that’s the price I’m paying. And boy, do I feel like I’m paying.

I’m alive. I’m safe and cared for. Ultimately, things are perfect. I’m just severely unfulfilled.

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