Today started off with promise. The family went to look at houses in a gated community, which was super swanky but also in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. As my day progressed, I got more and more worked up about having moved here. The area hasn’t turned out quite how I imagined it to. Granted it’s only been literally two entire days, but I’m worried about getting my life together still. I’m worried about adjusting. I’m worried how I’m going to survive the “church mentality” that’s ingrained in what seems like every breathing creature in this town. Not that there’s anything wrong with church, or church folk (as I believe I’ve said way too many times), but it just kind of broke me today when it’s all I’ve been hearing. It’s another reminder that once we find a place, mother will start looking for a church and ergo, will be forcing me to go with her. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t consider me adult enough to accept my No and a putting down of my foot…it’s just extra worries for me.
It hasn’t been long enough for me to bail out of this damned five month plan by even a little bit, but today I had such a crazy urge to run screaming from Sam’s Club and never look back. I’ve never had regrets in life before, but I feel like my entire post-college experience is just a never-ending reflection of my failure at launching into adulthood. It’s not good thinking, and this isn’t the worst I could have done, but my disappointment is almost crippling. Maybe that’s my problem.
Tomorrow is another day and I need to try to be more positive. I have to find something to help me hang on. This is literally only the beginning.