.25 Hypocritical

I’m the friend that always, without a doubt, says “Don’t give up hope.  Life is about risks.”

To this day, I still stand behind that. Shit happens and people are assholes and we bruise ourselves all the time when we think we’re being careful. I don’t know how and I wish I knew why, but we don’t. It just happens. And I find myself balancing on the line between hypocritical and taking my own advice.

My trust has been breached a few times within the past couple of months. The levels vary, but they all add up to me feeling as though I will never be able to trust someone new; all the people I have feel like all the people I’ll ever have. Back in March, I had a dramatic life change thanks to someone I was getting very close with. These many months later, it seems as though they were lying and knew much more that they should have shared with me than they did. It hurt then and now it still hurts. But now last night, someone I’ve been chatting with (in a mostly platonic sense) confessed that they’ve been lying about their age. We’ve met in person and it wasn’t a large lie so I wasn’t upset about the lie itself. I mean, if we haven’t already, we probably will lie about our age to someone. Human vanity. BUT this lie just took me back to the previous person. If they were willing to lie about something so simple as one year difference in their age, then what else could they be lying about? I had to try to explain upon waking up today that I don’t mind the lie, but it worries me that he could be keeping more important things a secret.

I don’t know how to continue trying to trust people, when I’m repeatedly being shit on while I’m being completely honest about everything. I see where my friends have struggled, but I don’t want to give up. I’m just a bit scared to keep going.

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