.28 What Do I Think?

I can’t decide if I’m a complete person searching for someone to share this life with, or if I’m one half of a whole eternal being looking for it’s match. I’m both and I’m neither.

I’m the one to admit that I’m falling for someone and deal with what comes from confessions later, but I’m not the one to believe that I can’t do fine all on my own. Would having a man around be nice? Hell yes. Do I need him around for me to make the decisions best for me? Definitely not.

These feelings suddenly overwhelmed me and my emotions are kind of running rampant. I can’t tell which feelings are good ideas, so I write them all off as weapons of mass destruction: no man is right for this moment. As much as I’d like it to be time, this is not when someone will walk into my life. I need to make sense of everything I’m doing–everything I want–before I can entertain such a thought.

I continually find myself on the wrong end of feelings for guys at the wrong time, in the wrong place regardless of what I know. This is the story of my life.

.27 Wishing

It’s been months, but I still think about you all the time. Every night, I still hope that you will wake up the next morning wanting me.

It sounds pathetic and, truth be told, it feels pathetic too. But you are unmatched. You are refreshing. And you are not mine.

Things in my life aren’t quite balanced and put together, so I can’t expect something so lovely to stay a spell. I know love will come when love is supposed to come. And even if I have to wait, I hope it’s you that finds me when things have fallen into place.

.26 Why

I don’t want to speak to Him until there is definitive proof, without any doubt, that I can exist in that space without wanting to set it on fire or feel like I’ll personally be set on fire.

I still can’t understand how I’m supposed to want to talk to someone(?) you only hear to give hate, or praise something(?) you only know to make you out to be a monster.

God is love? Sure, I can see that. When you’re problems are the same as everyone else’s problems. When you’re already part of a body of believers. If you don’t fit this, then you’re doing it wrong. If you don’t know this, you’re not ready.

If He knew what you all claim that he does, why can’t he talk to me in a way that would, I don’t know, Work?