Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

I just finished watching a movie with same title as this post and… *SPOILER ALERT*

The entire movie is about uncertainty and making the choices that affect the way your life plays out. This middle-aged man is realizing that he’s still gay even though he married his wife nine years ago and had a son that he loves deeply. At the same time his sister fell in love, got engaged, exiled her fiance, and then married him anyway! This movie was a doozy on my emotions tonight as I sit here in the common space of my apartment building, near tears, reflecting on myself and my life.

Love has never been an easy thing. Anyone who has told you otherwise is full of shit. Feel free to let them know I feel this way. Love is ALWAYS about sacrificing and compromising and making choices and WORK. Love is so much fucking work. We get tired. We spend years and years just looking for chances at love. We take those chances at love and 99 out of 100, we fall flat on our faces; we get burned; we get cracked; we fray at the seams. And we all hope that when that 100th time finally comes around, it’s sweet and has been worth all the hurt.

Recently, I’ve experienced a lot of heartache. I guess it could go back to July before we moved away from Germany, but I think that would be unfair to NotBoyfriend. Although he did hurt me, it wasn’t much the same way as recent times. I met Ski-Man (I actually refer to him as this with my friends, ha!) in January and we went on a series of dates up through his birthday in February. He was smart, sweet, and understood things about me without ever asking for an explanation. He made me feel like I could fall in love and be loved again and then he disappeared. Around this same time, I met Silver. And we courted for two months as well, before mutually agreeing to embark and something official. And then he broke up with me two weeks later on Easter. And honestly, that was the one that broke me.

In the movies, there’s always screaming and there are tears and food binges and it all seems very overly dramatic Hollywood. Well in my real life, as a twenty-three year old man, there were tears that surprised me, feelings that scared me, and lots of unnecessary snacking. You know, I cried a lot for a week. And it doesn’t make sense to me to have been so attached to someone after such a short time. Officially, it was only two weeks, but emotionally, we had been growing together for two months. The more I think about it, the more I realize how truly insecure I am. There are some things (surprisingly) that the internet doesn’t know about my life, but regardless, it’s made my life difficult for me to fathom sometimes. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of the love that I’ve been dreaming of finding since I was thirteen. It doesn’t seem possible that someone will find me this way and love all of me. I have a tiny sliver of faith that I’m where I’m supposed to be; that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s hard to trust yourself. Sometimes I truly don’t, but I want so badly to be able to.

When you think about it, it always seems like you’re playing the wrong game. But this faith thing…that’s the fuel of life. We take risks and leaps off ledges daily, hoping to find satisfaction and affirmation in the fall and to stick the landing at the end. Our choices definitely impact what our futures will be, but there’s no telling what will happen. Even the most planned lives will go astray at different points. It’s about the rebound. It pisses me off to stay that I’m still figuring out how to rebound from the last guy I let inside, but it’s reassuring. I’m still very much human which means I still have so much love to give when the time comes.

Insecurities may be able to be positives. That’s a long journey of self-love though and I feel like I’m just getting started…

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Where Did I Leave Off?

We know how I do this thing. I write fairly consistently for a while and then disappear for months on end. The only sign of my existence is the updating Twitter widget on the side of this blog where all my neurotic thoughts, tragic events, and exciting news updates many times a day. How have you been?

I came here to write and save poetry in the drafts portion of WP, but I find myself writing an actual post. This is the most writing I’ve done in a while. My poetry was off and on for April 2015 for National Poetry Writing Month, but also faded just as quickly as the month did. I miss saying something. Whether people are reading it or not, it was always nice to feel like I said something and said it fairly well.

I’ve been living a lot of life, and quite a few things have changed since my last posting in September 2014. I’ve moved. I loved and lost. I’ve been gained a job twice, and quit a job once. I’m planning on moving again. I’m attempting to go on dates with guys. Sometimes I really feel like I’m living a life, and many times I feel like I’m wasting away. I think I may be doing it a bit wrong, this building/crafting/living a life. But I’m doing it and I’m very proud of that. Doesn’t seem like it often enough, but it’s amazing what I’ve begun for myself.

So it’s been a good minute and this definitely isn’t the most eloquent of returns, but I think I’ll be showing my faces around here some more. It’s about time I got back to writing.

xoxo

.27 Wishing

It’s been months, but I still think about you all the time. Every night, I still hope that you will wake up the next morning wanting me.

It sounds pathetic and, truth be told, it feels pathetic too. But you are unmatched. You are refreshing. And you are not mine.

Things in my life aren’t quite balanced and put together, so I can’t expect something so lovely to stay a spell. I know love will come when love is supposed to come. And even if I have to wait, I hope it’s you that finds me when things have fallen into place.

.5 Hello USA

Approximately 20 hours ago I left my beautiful home in Germany and arrived in the US with my family. Being military, this is something we’ve done about every 3 years or so (except high school when I was allowed to stay and finish all four years). We’ve arrived this evening and so far I’m not pleased. One: it’s fucking hot and I don’t need help sweating. Two: I’ve encountered more bugs here in 30 minutes than I had in Minnesota in 3 years.

We are so very close to being where we need to be. It’s just a matter of house-hunting now. I’m in closer proximity to my friends, which isn’t saying much because it’s a 14 hour drive from me to them. But at least I have phone service now (first world perk). And that’s really the most exciting part of being here.

I think it’s safe to assume that it’s clear I didn’t want to come back. But I have business to attend to, that I can only do here because I’m not qualified enough to have picked myself up by the bootstraps in Germany. No biggie. I’m both worried and completely fine. It’s a very interesting concept.

I’ve an early morning tomorrow. And who knows what else this week will bring.

Thanks for sticking around.

.1 Blips

I’m in the middle of another relocation of my life. As many times as I’ve done this, you’d think I’d be quite good at it. I’m not.

This month between graduating college and moving to North Carolina was supposed to be something of a vacation for me. In actuality, I’ve spent majority of the time worrying about needing to find a job and how to get out of my parents’ house as soon as possible. It’s a logical thing to be here now, but I’m not a fan at all. But with my current plan (work full-time and save entire paychecks for the next five months) I should be able to save enough to get my own place in NC or go somewhere I’d actually like to be.

Regardless, I think I’m going to take a moment every day (except for like the 1-2 of July) to write about something that happened that day. A throwback to the days of keeping a journal on the web. Documenting my life in another way and exercising my writing skills all at once. If I wrote something about today, it’d be pretty sad as that’s how I’ve been for a while, but whatever!

Welcome (again) and thanks for reading.

Zero to Hero: Day Six – Elements

Hey again. It’s been a few days. That’s usually how it goes. I’m still participating in Zero to Hero, but I didn’t find it necessary to post when I added a widget or checked out my neighborhood. I didn’t exactly do it in the order shared with us, but they did happen. As a matter of fact, one of the new “neighbors” has partially inspired this post!

Day six is about adding elements to posts –audio, videos, or photos –to spice up blog posts. Excellent idea. But before I made it to this blank page, I read an entry from Travelholics’ Anonymous who is currently studying abroad in France. We’re actually almost REAL neighbors (Germany & France. No? Okay.) Of course it got me thinking:

WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I RUN AWAY TO FRANCE?! I’ve spent about three days looking at rideshare opportunities to go to Prague to see a friend, or about two hours away to meet another friend, but I could have gone to PARIS!

Avenue des Champs-Élysées

It’s about a six hour drive from my house in Germany, but I’ve taken a five hour car ride with strangers to Hamburg to meet someone. Why couldn’t  I have taken six to explore Paris on my own? These always come too late. Now here’s the thing: I was looking for some adventure, but it doesn’t have to only be when I’m here in Europe. I feel much more comfortable in Europe (which is odd considering my non-English language skills are similar to that of a toddler.), but there are worlds to explore back in the United States. And I will be exploring them soon enough. Life is headed in that direction and I’m making decisions now that will actually without a doubt affect my life post-college. Isn’t that exciting?

This post didn’t turn out to be what I wanted. It started as a “Wow look at people living their dreams and doing interesting things” and instead it turned into “You kinda fucked that one up too, now didn’t you?”

Sounds about right. But look! Media! My task here is complete. For now.

Zero to Hero: Day Three – What’s On Your Mind?

Here we are again, because I’m playing catch-up as always. Day three of this “30 days to a better blog” is supposed to be going back to that original idea of starting this blog and actually doing it. Originally I started this blog with WordPress because I heard it was a great platform (and it seriously is a wonderful, beautiful thing), good for writers to share things and interact. So I’m going to share with you a poem that I’ve written. How many more times poems will be here, I’m not sure, but we’re following directions. Mostly.

Too Late – Aug. 2013
The buildings are tall here
and they all seem as though they have
a story to tell.
But I’m not interested in talk of wars or fires:
I’m interested in the space between the steps you take.

We talk together, but in reality,
I’m following you, walking a half-step behind,
watching you from the corner of my eye
and listening to the sound of your voice
down these empty streets.
And it echoes loudly. And it mixes
with our footsteps on aging cobblestone;
it is magic and I am
Lost.

Somewhere between telling my mother I love her
and riding the train home with you,
I looked at you and realized I want
More.
Just a glance in my direction simply wont’ suffice;
leaning into my while laughing is only a tease.
I’m looking for meaning behind your eyes
and passion in your touch;
it’s not enough to know I’m going home with you.
I want to know that I’ll belong here
in the morning.

And then it’s over.
I’m dressed to go and resigned to think
less is all I’m meant to have,
only to have you kiss me as though
you care more than you let on;
you said not ever fuck deserves a cuddle
          -but we had never fucked.
You kissed me goodbye at the train,
said you’d like to see me off when I fly to college next week:

that’s when I knew I’d fallen into
the worst kind of love.