.23 The Never-ending War

This evening I tried to put my foot down. I proceeded to get knocked the fuck over and bruised a little bit.

If you’ve been following me for a while (or looked back at previous posts), you know that religious functions/opinions and I generally don’t get one well. I will state again that I don’t have anything against people who follow a religion, those who practice faith, or anyone who goes to a place of worship. What I do have a problem with is when religious practices are shoved in my face or down my throat. If I ask about it, please educate me. Clearly I have things to learn as I was not raised within the church.

My mother has recently (like 2+ years ago) become a follower of Christ. What denomination, I couldn’t tell you. And she has seen positive changes in her person and is wholly happy with her decision to give her life over.

That’s swell. Kudos.

But she has made it her mission to bring the family together under faith. And this is where my problems start. If she wants to be a woman of faith, then by all means I encourage you to do what makes you feel good about yourself and your life. That does not mean I want to be constantly hounded to attend services or worse: be forced to go to service.

I’ve been fighting this war for two years now and I continue to fight even though I’m not winning. I have my reasons for not going, but they are valid enough for her to give me a damn break. I have to be honest that I’m just simply not interested in learning about it. Being forced to go is not going to make me feel as though I need to give my life over and start praying and reading the Bible constantly. If anything, I want to run farther and faster away because I want to make my own choices.

This is part of the reason I didn’t want to come home. I was quite certain she’d continue throwing me under the Jesus bus, and I just didn’t want this hassle. Aside from, you know, having my own space and living my own life.

Regardless of how much I complain now, I’ll still be at church tomorrow morning. I will be unhappy about it, and every single person will know. I won’t say it, but I can guarantee that tomorrow morning will not be a pleasant experience for this family.

Immature much? You’re probably right.


.22 Sports?


I know what a sport is, and I could tell you what you call a score in the more popular ones, but otherwise I’m useless. My brother, on the other hand, breathes sports. And so does my dad. I think my mom is always quite a bit more into sports than I am, so basically I’m left behind. And upon moving here to NC, my uncle’s youngest son is also into sports! I just won’t catch a break.

Tonight my cousin had a tournament game because he’s on a traveling team and we went to support him. First off: I never knew 14 year olds could build that much muscle. It’s creepy. I want to make my body do that without any work at all. Talk to me.
Second: they played very well, although they didn’t win.

The entire time I was watching, I’m literally just watching. I know points, and I know you shoot baskets. I had to ask how many quarters there were (tournament game was only 2 quarters of 16 minutes! Which I was told is not standard. Hashtag learning.) but otherwise, I could have passed like I was super involved.

What I did learn is that I’m a little competitive. I’m muttering under my breath and my brother is laughing at me. I don’t care for sports, but I was never a winner growing up so I’d like to win! It’s natural. But I also get anxious watching sports. When the team I’m rooting for is down, I’m just like OH NOO SOMEBODY HELP. I honestly don’t understand.

But it was a good time and two other, completely unrelated things came out of it! 1: tomorrow my uncle is bringing over bows so we can shoot targets with arrows! 2: tomorrow evening, I should be receiving a phone call from a new friend of mine. That could be good, or really awkward.

I think staying busy is what’ll get me through this period of life. Distraction is key.

.21 My Five Month Plan

I’m currently preparing myself to endeavor on what I’ve un-originally called “The Five Month Plan.”

Since I moved back in with my parents, I have been wracking my brain to figure out how to get out of here quickly and feasibly. The plan is simple: get a job by the end of July, work full-time, and save entire paychecks (from living at home sans bills). Once the new year rolls around, I’ll gather my savings and see which of my desired locations I can move to and begin my own adult life.

There are many flaws with this plan, the first being that five months is not a long time to save money to move out and start over. Even with my parents allowing me the wondrous thing that is living like I’m in high school all over again, there will still be plenty of ground needing some green covering. The second flaw is that I’m not sure exactly where I want to go. I’ve entertained thoughts of Seattle for a year now, but the cost of living is ridiculous and rent averages near $1200. I can’t even begin to think about how someone even thinks about making a payment that large for a small apartment! (Minneapolis is looking 12x better right about now.) The third flaw is that I’m not trained for a specific job field, so transferring jobs would be harder; finding a new job may be difficult and my style of living would -of course- drastically change again.

So what do I need to do?

1: Make a decision.
– I need to make a list of potential places I want to go. And when I think of them, research them and figure out why they may or may not be good choices.

2: Find a plausible place to rent.
– There’s no guarantee that the place I find will be available when I need it, but it’s a nice safe start to have a goal to work towards: first and last month’s rent and a solid amount to live on until I find a job for a fresh cash-flow.

3: Take a chance.
– And this seems crazy to include, but I may need a reminder. I’m waiting until I see that things in my life are lined up well for living on my own. That’s a luxury a lot of people don’t have. But if I keep waiting until things are “just right” I’ll never get out and live my own life. Something will work out, but I have to give it a shot. I can’t complain and then never do anything.

Looking at things a little broken down, this may be less terrifying than I thought. I become overwhelmed easily, so simply thinking of somewhere I want to go is a nice place to start.

And we’re off.

.20 Progress

Today I felt like I was taking a positive step in the direction of being independent. And I did, however small it was.

A couple of days ago I submitted my resume and an application to work as a bookseller. I was told by a friend of mine that a follow-up call to the employer is a good way to show that you are interested in the job so I phoned in. The first employee took my name and number to set aside for the person setting up interviews, and I called back later at his request to speak with the actual interviewer. She informed of their intentions and said she’d definitely pull my resume and take a look as they schedule interviews for next week.

Is that not progress?!

It’s not the biggest step I’ve ever taken, but it does feel good to know that potentially I’ll be hired somewhere soon. And with books! I fucking love books! It may not push me forward career-wise, but within my hierarchy of needs, this will provide me a place to start building a solid foundation.

.19 Fear

There isn’t a person I know who is unfamiliar with fear. Some of us face them more often than others, while many of us just watch it timidly from afar.

I think I spend way too much time being the latter of the two.

Recently I watched a video (because that’s basically all I do with my free time without my guitar. Or a job. Or a car. Far from everything.) talking about how many people are currently avoiding doing something because they’re afraid. And I thought it was hilarious because it couldn’t have been more accurate for me.

I live at home because I was terrified of actually having to rough it after college. Under the pressure of senior projects, apartment hunting, AND job hunting, I was fed up with my situation. I thought I exhausted all of my options, but now I know I hadn’t. I could just as easily be in Minneapolis right now, sleeping on someone’s floor. I could have found a job that I didn’t want to stay at too long, but paid the bills and gave me my independence. It would have been hard, and I still would have been scared, but it could have been done. Instead I opted to move home with my parents.

Sometimes regret it.

There are always going to be things in life that we are afraid to do. Plenty of times, there will be no other choice but to face these fears head-on and I want to be a person who can do that. At least if I try, I know that I gave it my all. Right now, I feel I just opted for the easy route. I complain about not being able to do much, but I don’t take the chances to do things often times. I only blame myself, but I’d rather encourage myself to be a bit more daring. A bit more brave. Moderated reckless behavior might do be some good. “It’s not about being fearless, but learning how to control your fear.” (Divergent, Ch. 18, p.94-95) It’s a quote, but it’s paraphrased slightly (please don’t sue me).

I have a lot to learn.

.18 Not So Bad

I did a morning yoga routine for beginners after I woke up today. It was not as easy as I expected it to be, considering it was supposed to be for beginners. I don’t think it changed the trajectory of my day, but I did it. I think tomorrow I’ll try again. Maybe it’s something that requires a few attempts.

Our painting, 63-year old returned today and finished the bathrooms and touched up some of the closets, but isn’t done just yet. He’ll be back tomorrow. I swear this guy is just hanging out here and I don’t know why. I think he wants to fill the house with that loud-ass radio blasting church sermons. Does he think we need saving? Imma leave that one alone.
OH! Also, he turned the water off in the house and we can’t figure out how to turn it on. I also can’t figure out how he turned it off considering he left when I was in the shower and my brother took a bath after me when he was already gone…so confused. So that’s irritating because I’ve been waiting FOREVER to wash my damn hair. Today we had the hot water turned on so I finally could, and yet here I am, not washing my hair. Again. Ugh.


On a positive note: I subscribed to a YouTuber named Anna Akana weeks ago after watching a video about putting on your face that I’ll link HERE. But today I just binge-watched soo many of her videos! They’re amazing and it makes me want to take my YouTube game to the next level. I’m still trying to figure out how to do that exactly, but that is something I want to do. Please check out her channel because she’s someone creating amazing content that should definitely be shared. This is her CHANNEL.

Monday wasn’t quite so bad. I’m still at home with my parents.I’m still at a dead-end with the job search. I have no idea where a job will come from. It bothers me to an extreme, but Monday, thanks for being you.

.17 Coming To You Late

This entry is for Sunday, but I fell asleep before I could document my day. And then all day Monday I just fucked up and forgot. Oops.

Sunday was the day the Internet came into our lives again! And ze was welcomed with open arms.

I caught up on a just a couple of the vlogs I like to watch. I finished the rest of a movie I’ve been trying to watch for months now: Presque Rien, also known as Come Undone in the US.
*sidenote* That doesn’t even make sense…the translation would be Next to Nothing or Almost Nothing. That’s not even close.* The movie is a French, LGBT film (because that’s what I like to use Netflix for: gay movies kthxbai) but I think I missed a lot of context from having to read the subtitles. My French listening skills are terrible (as are all my French skills to be perfectly honest). It’s on the edge of being a dark movie, and I’ve found that I’m a bit into movies with troubled characters with people trying to save them or continuing to tear them apart. Keep the Lights On is another similar movie to that and I really enjoyed it. LGBT-themed. Drug usage. American, though.

The HIGHLIGHT of Sunday was finally getting to video chat with my best friend Amber from high school. We G+’d (G plus’d) for hours! I didn’t know how much I just needed to speak to a friendly face. Granted I’ve been in contact with all of my college friends since I left Minneapolis and even Amber while I was in Germany, but it was good to see her and just be weird after not talking for basically two weeks. I complain a lot (as I’m sure you know) and she is just one of the many people in my life that can take it for what it is and sometimes help me work through my bullshit.

That is invaluable. I have a lot of bullshit that probably shouldn’t be bullshit.

Sunday, you did not fail me. I am grateful.