.28 What Do I Think?

I can’t decide if I’m a complete person searching for someone to share this life with, or if I’m one half of a whole eternal being looking for it’s match. I’m both and I’m neither.

I’m the one to admit that I’m falling for someone and deal with what comes from confessions later, but I’m not the one to believe that I can’t do fine all on my own. Would having a man around be nice? Hell yes. Do I need him around for me to make the decisions best for me? Definitely not.

These feelings suddenly overwhelmed me and my emotions are kind of running rampant. I can’t tell which feelings are good ideas, so I write them all off as weapons of mass destruction: no man is right for this moment. As much as I’d like it to be time, this is not when someone will walk into my life. I need to make sense of everything I’m doing–everything I want–before I can entertain such a thought.

I continually find myself on the wrong end of feelings for guys at the wrong time, in the wrong place regardless of what I know. This is the story of my life.

Gay Crush on the Straight Guy

There seems to be a theme going on right now. This is basically hard evidence that summer has officially set in for me. I have way too much time to contemplate and complain (and now vlog AND blog) about my situations. Let’s dive in again, shall we?

Attraction begins on the surface level. Do you like what you see? Yes? Now you want it. No? Try again somewhere else. I think many people want to meet someone that they’re physically attracted to and then find that their personality fits like a puzzle piece with theirs. Sounds pretty nice to me. I’m also one of those people, so… But there is this epidemic that just sweeps the world and I don’t understand it for the life of me: wanting what you can’t have. More specifically tailored to my case: straight crushes!

Over the course of the last year (my Junior year of college) I experienced three straight crushes, mostly simultaneously. The first guy to be subject to this madness (unknowingly) is ADY. That’s what I call him on Twitter, at least. Brooding, curly haired, well-dressed man that never said anything to me; I only know he’s beautiful. What the fuck am I doing!? I don’t know him but I was so willing to get to know him. Eventually it annoyed me so much that I started to hate his beauty, and now it’s no longer a crush. I just want to touch his hair. And if he kissed me, I’d probably be REALLY cool with that…

Guy #2 is the odd one out; let’s call him Pro. He’s a vulgar little shit, and it entertains me to no end. So two girls in my friend group had a thing for Pro at the very beginning of the year, and my fascination kicked me in the throat near the end of the first semester. He’s not classically handsome, he’s kind of an asshole, he’s sarcastic, he’s done drugs: this kid is clearly not where I usually set my sights. The nice guys are definitely a weak spot of mine. But I fell for him, and it’s the most ridiculous, embarrassing thing. He had no idea, but we pretty much flirt all the time. I regularly tell him his ass is great, and waft him after he showers because he always smell like something I should be all over. I secretly think he likes the attention, but wishes I had boobs. At this point, I only kind of enjoy his company. Mostly it’s a reminder of how stupid I can be to fall for a straight guy, who is/was also in the sights of one of my other friends as well.

Guy #3 is my FAVORITE of the straight guy crushes! This is a bad sign as well. We’ll call him Stud. He is all the world’s positive phrases and hope and kindness, wrapped in a beautiful man. I hate it so much, and all I want to do is get close to him. This guy, fuck him, right? I know him from a class where he kindly held the door open for me, and complimented me on a necklace (I was destined to lose this fight). So I reached out and tried to make non-creepy contact. We’re now Facebook friends and have had lunch occasionally. This is the worst of the straight crushes. I’m not used to interacting with men, so when I do and they say things like “Miss you”  through a text or something equally nice, but friendly, I don’t know if that’s flirting or if he’s literally  just actually a nice guy. He interacts with people like I interact with people. That doesn’t mean he’s gay, but I wanted it mean he was gay! I don’t know where I’m at with that Stud. I was trying to tell myself bad things about him so I’d like him less, but it didn’t work. The worst I could come up with is that he’s positive all the time and that would probably get annoying to date. WHAT?!

What does one get from having feelings for someone who is clearly unavailable to them? All it does is lead to wasted time trying to court them, and then an extremely unpleasant experience trying to get over them. And it’s not just gay men with straight men. It’s lesbians with straight women, straight men with lesbians, straight women with gay men, etc. I can’t understand it, but I also can’t stop. We’re smart people, I’ll give us that one, so why can’t we make a conscious choice to love someone who can love us back the way we actually want? If I was learning something from falling for dazzling heteros, then I could see it. But instead of making me feel like a stronger, more confident, knowledgeable person, I really just feel like I don’t know how to function in society.

Boys, Boys…Oh, Boy

It’s no secret in my circle of friends that I’m a person who is quick to attach to someone and slow to let them go. Falling quickly is only one of my fatal, human flaws. I’ve known about this for years though. My first real-time boyfriend from high school swept me off my feet, even though he was a pain in the ass with more baggage than we had arms to carry. But I thought it was love, and damn it, I was going to keep him forever; we broke up, dated again, broke up, dated…and broke up. Should I even mention the straight guy who was mildly infatuated with me, only to ignore me after becoming “an item” and then turning out to be a complete douchebag? No, I didn’t think so.

I’ve also had my fair share of college…whatever we call these. Delusions probably fits quite nicely. There’s the Cowboy, who I didn’t like, and then suddenly missed furiously and assumed I was in love with. That was a bitch to get over. But I did with my ex-boyfriend who I’m convinced is utterly psychotic. What’s new? I’ve always been really good at picking men-folk for myself. Once he was out, I was sure I was taking a break, but men seem to find me when I want them the least. This one found me from a class we shared. I had a slight thing for him in class, I’ll be honest, and I love him to death. We’re similar in a lot of ways, and it’s weird because I had a gay friend. But then there were feelings, and I shot him down on Valentine’s Day because I panicked…and I made out with him like three days before that in a hot and heavy post-Super Bowl frenzy. Not that I’m into sports, but he felt good and I thought it could be something! Due to my lack of confidence in being able to support a relationship of serious caliber, I nipped it in the bud. We now talk occasionally about only platonic things. And there was J, that’s what I’ll call him, who is hilarious and disgusting but in a less repulsive way. He is me and he is definitely not me. I liked him, but I could feel in my bones it wasn’t going to go anywhere. So it didn’t. It seemed like I got cold feet, but he didn’t stumble and I feel like a dick anyway.

Clearly, I have experience realizing things are not what I actually thought them out to be. So why do I find myself in this situation once again? I swear I’ve been fighting it as hard as anyone could do it. Online profiles list strictly friends, and while most idiots don’t read the profile, the few that do turn out to be cool, or sleezy anyway. But this guy is different. These GUYS are different. The different isn’t significant, but it’s enough to have me on an emotional roller coaster the past few days. Here me out?

Guy #1 we’ll call Z. He’s foreign, hot accent, and we talk ALL the time. He’s super sweet and is a huge flirt. He can’t help himself. First thing is first, I’m not that attracted to him. As I’ve gotten to know him via the internet, he has grown on me. He’s not stop-me-dead, steal-my-breath attractive, but he’s gotten cuter and I absolutely love his personality. And while he says he’s not really moving too quickly, I feel like he’s in free-fall trying to get into this cage with my heart. I enjoy him, but I feel like I’m being chipped away at. I don’t like feeling like I’m leading him on, when I know I’m not into him like that. At least I’ve told him, and he said he wasn’t falling for me either. Technically I’d be in the clear, but it’s not just him trying to get into my pants. Who would work this hard to get into anyone’s pants?! It’s been like a month or two! I wouldn’t work that hard! #aintnobodygottimefodat

But my real problem is here with Guy #2, who we’ll called F. He’s in his early thirties, and he’s got this look that is like sexy, weird, foreigner. He looks like a German and I’m totally into it, Jesus help me. This started out friendly as well, but last weekend, things turned up a notch. And I’m glad! But I’m terrified. Even though I could admit to myself that I found him attractive, I was clear with myself that I wasn’t going to admit any feelings should they appear. As we continued to talk, I could see those bitches trying to escape the glass jar. It was shaking and they were tapping. I didn’t have the lid on as tightly as I should have, and now I’m here feeling a bit lost. Over a boy. Again. I don’t think I’ll ever learn. We’re into each other, but we’re actually nothing but strangers trying to meet in real life and see if we’re compatible friends. There has never been a mention of anything else, but I’ve already played it in my head, ergo I’M DOOMED.

Do you see my problem?

What I need to do is be calm and cool about this. But I’m actually really worried. This Love thing is a really big deal to me. I’ve wanted to be a Mr. So-and-So forever; the husband, the father, the friend. It’s a dream of mine to have my own family; to get married and play house. So when I meet guys, I freak out because you can never tell if one guy is a better fit over another guy unless you try. Fear has stopped me from playing the game a lot lately. Two perfectly good men I’ve left out to dry. Is the same going to happen with F if things get that far? Boys, boys…oh boy. Living with them makes me a wreck, and living without them makes me desperate.

So what’s the difference?