.28 What Do I Think?

I can’t decide if I’m a complete person searching for someone to share this life with, or if I’m one half of a whole eternal being looking for it’s match. I’m both and I’m neither.

I’m the one to admit that I’m falling for someone and deal with what comes from confessions later, but I’m not the one to believe that I can’t do fine all on my own. Would having a man around be nice? Hell yes. Do I need him around for me to make the decisions best for me? Definitely not.

These feelings suddenly overwhelmed me and my emotions are kind of running rampant. I can’t tell which feelings are good ideas, so I write them all off as weapons of mass destruction: no man is right for this moment. As much as I’d like it to be time, this is not when someone will walk into my life. I need to make sense of everything I’m doing–everything I want–before I can entertain such a thought.

I continually find myself on the wrong end of feelings for guys at the wrong time, in the wrong place regardless of what I know. This is the story of my life.

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.27 Wishing

It’s been months, but I still think about you all the time. Every night, I still hope that you will wake up the next morning wanting me.

It sounds pathetic and, truth be told, it feels pathetic too. But you are unmatched. You are refreshing. And you are not mine.

Things in my life aren’t quite balanced and put together, so I can’t expect something so lovely to stay a spell. I know love will come when love is supposed to come. And even if I have to wait, I hope it’s you that finds me when things have fallen into place.

.26 Why

I don’t want to speak to Him until there is definitive proof, without any doubt, that I can exist in that space without wanting to set it on fire or feel like I’ll personally be set on fire.

I still can’t understand how I’m supposed to want to talk to someone(?) you only hear to give hate, or praise something(?) you only know to make you out to be a monster.

God is love? Sure, I can see that. When you’re problems are the same as everyone else’s problems. When you’re already part of a body of believers. If you don’t fit this, then you’re doing it wrong. If you don’t know this, you’re not ready.

If He knew what you all claim that he does, why can’t he talk to me in a way that would, I don’t know, Work?

.25 Hypocritical

I’m the friend that always, without a doubt, says “Don’t give up hope.  Life is about risks.”

To this day, I still stand behind that. Shit happens and people are assholes and we bruise ourselves all the time when we think we’re being careful. I don’t know how and I wish I knew why, but we don’t. It just happens. And I find myself balancing on the line between hypocritical and taking my own advice.

My trust has been breached a few times within the past couple of months. The levels vary, but they all add up to me feeling as though I will never be able to trust someone new; all the people I have feel like all the people I’ll ever have. Back in March, I had a dramatic life change thanks to someone I was getting very close with. These many months later, it seems as though they were lying and knew much more that they should have shared with me than they did. It hurt then and now it still hurts. But now last night, someone I’ve been chatting with (in a mostly platonic sense) confessed that they’ve been lying about their age. We’ve met in person and it wasn’t a large lie so I wasn’t upset about the lie itself. I mean, if we haven’t already, we probably will lie about our age to someone. Human vanity. BUT this lie just took me back to the previous person. If they were willing to lie about something so simple as one year difference in their age, then what else could they be lying about? I had to try to explain upon waking up today that I don’t mind the lie, but it worries me that he could be keeping more important things a secret.

I don’t know how to continue trying to trust people, when I’m repeatedly being shit on while I’m being completely honest about everything. I see where my friends have struggled, but I don’t want to give up. I’m just a bit scared to keep going.

.24 Intention vs Reality

You say you’re providing me with ample opportunities to open myself up to whatever wonders may be in store for me by forcing me to church every Sunday morning. In reality, you just cultivate the anger within me to where I’d rather shut down than try.

Is my reaction healthy? Probably not. But neither is force-feeding me something I should be able to decide for myself as an adult.

You say you’re helping, but I just feel shafted and hurt.

.23 The Never-ending War

This evening I tried to put my foot down. I proceeded to get knocked the fuck over and bruised a little bit.

If you’ve been following me for a while (or looked back at previous posts), you know that religious functions/opinions and I generally don’t get one well. I will state again that I don’t have anything against people who follow a religion, those who practice faith, or anyone who goes to a place of worship. What I do have a problem with is when religious practices are shoved in my face or down my throat. If I ask about it, please educate me. Clearly I have things to learn as I was not raised within the church.

My mother has recently (like 2+ years ago) become a follower of Christ. What denomination, I couldn’t tell you. And she has seen positive changes in her person and is wholly happy with her decision to give her life over.

That’s swell. Kudos.

But she has made it her mission to bring the family together under faith. And this is where my problems start. If she wants to be a woman of faith, then by all means I encourage you to do what makes you feel good about yourself and your life. That does not mean I want to be constantly hounded to attend services or worse: be forced to go to service.

I’ve been fighting this war for two years now and I continue to fight even though I’m not winning. I have my reasons for not going, but they are valid enough for her to give me a damn break. I have to be honest that I’m just simply not interested in learning about it. Being forced to go is not going to make me feel as though I need to give my life over and start praying and reading the Bible constantly. If anything, I want to run farther and faster away because I want to make my own choices.

This is part of the reason I didn’t want to come home. I was quite certain she’d continue throwing me under the Jesus bus, and I just didn’t want this hassle. Aside from, you know, having my own space and living my own life.

Regardless of how much I complain now, I’ll still be at church tomorrow morning. I will be unhappy about it, and every single person will know. I won’t say it, but I can guarantee that tomorrow morning will not be a pleasant experience for this family.

Immature much? You’re probably right.

.22 Sports?

Sports!…??

I know what a sport is, and I could tell you what you call a score in the more popular ones, but otherwise I’m useless. My brother, on the other hand, breathes sports. And so does my dad. I think my mom is always quite a bit more into sports than I am, so basically I’m left behind. And upon moving here to NC, my uncle’s youngest son is also into sports! I just won’t catch a break.

Tonight my cousin had a tournament game because he’s on a traveling team and we went to support him. First off: I never knew 14 year olds could build that much muscle. It’s creepy. I want to make my body do that without any work at all. Talk to me.
Second: they played very well, although they didn’t win.

The entire time I was watching, I’m literally just watching. I know points, and I know you shoot baskets. I had to ask how many quarters there were (tournament game was only 2 quarters of 16 minutes! Which I was told is not standard. Hashtag learning.) but otherwise, I could have passed like I was super involved.

What I did learn is that I’m a little competitive. I’m muttering under my breath and my brother is laughing at me. I don’t care for sports, but I was never a winner growing up so I’d like to win! It’s natural. But I also get anxious watching sports. When the team I’m rooting for is down, I’m just like OH NOO SOMEBODY HELP. I honestly don’t understand.

But it was a good time and two other, completely unrelated things came out of it! 1: tomorrow my uncle is bringing over bows so we can shoot targets with arrows! 2: tomorrow evening, I should be receiving a phone call from a new friend of mine. That could be good, or really awkward.

I think staying busy is what’ll get me through this period of life. Distraction is key.