.27 Wishing

It’s been months, but I still think about you all the time. Every night, I still hope that you will wake up the next morning wanting me.

It sounds pathetic and, truth be told, it feels pathetic too. But you are unmatched. You are refreshing. And you are not mine.

Things in my life aren’t quite balanced and put together, so I can’t expect something so lovely to stay a spell. I know love will come when love is supposed to come. And even if I have to wait, I hope it’s you that finds me when things have fallen into place.

.3 Love Isn’t Always Romantic

Today I tweeted this: “He called me and we talked about life. I think he’s sad that I’m leaving. And I love it. We’re hanging out tomorrow.”

It’s fascinating how close you can get to a single person. We’ve been friends for about a year, talking and getting to know each other here and there, and he makes me feel completely comfortable. Even when I want to tell him embarrassing things about how I feel about him, it’s still easier to tell him than it has been with anyone else I’ve had feelings for. How amazing is that?!

Can I say this is love? I’m telling you I love him. Surprise.

He sent me a text this evening saying, “hey honey, can I call you?” And it was hilarious to me because he never calls me and I could feel the smile on my face after reading it. Fast-forward: there was a moment during our phone call when I realized that I could lay claim to love NotBoyfriend.
I was pacing outside our hotel in my socks, left arm folded across my chest against the cold, right hand holding a little phone to my ear. He was chatting away with his adorable German accent (sounding a little drunk actually) talking about life. And I was completely into it. It was just nice to know I was on the phone with him, you know? But we talked about life and started making plans to hang out tomorrow (Monday), my last day in Germany indefinitely. He said it was just hitting him that I was leaving. And he sounded a little sad. And I’m both thrilled by this (because I made a mark just as he’s made a mark on me) and also saddened. Because if he’s near where I am, then this parting won’t be easy for him either.

This is the most peace I’ve had about being in love with him, and having to leave all my chances of happiness with him behind, in weeks. I had the realization that Love isn’t always going to be the romantic kind. I saw a quote today (probably from Tumblr) that said soulmates aren’t what we think they are. Ugh I can’t even misquote the damn thing. Just trust me! It’s super relevant to this post and what I’m going on about. NotBoyfriend might be my soulmate in every sense of the word except that we probably won’t live happily ever after together. I’m in love with him and he is in like with me and that is okay. I will be okay.

Even though sometimes it hurts now, I’m glad to have him in any way he’s willing to give himself.

Zero to Hero: Day Three – What’s On Your Mind?

Here we are again, because I’m playing catch-up as always. Day three of this “30 days to a better blog” is supposed to be going back to that original idea of starting this blog and actually doing it. Originally I started this blog with WordPress because I heard it was a great platform (and it seriously is a wonderful, beautiful thing), good for writers to share things and interact. So I’m going to share with you a poem that I’ve written. How many more times poems will be here, I’m not sure, but we’re following directions. Mostly.

Too Late – Aug. 2013
The buildings are tall here
and they all seem as though they have
a story to tell.
But I’m not interested in talk of wars or fires:
I’m interested in the space between the steps you take.

We talk together, but in reality,
I’m following you, walking a half-step behind,
watching you from the corner of my eye
and listening to the sound of your voice
down these empty streets.
And it echoes loudly. And it mixes
with our footsteps on aging cobblestone;
it is magic and I am
Lost.

Somewhere between telling my mother I love her
and riding the train home with you,
I looked at you and realized I want
More.
Just a glance in my direction simply wont’ suffice;
leaning into my while laughing is only a tease.
I’m looking for meaning behind your eyes
and passion in your touch;
it’s not enough to know I’m going home with you.
I want to know that I’ll belong here
in the morning.

And then it’s over.
I’m dressed to go and resigned to think
less is all I’m meant to have,
only to have you kiss me as though
you care more than you let on;
you said not ever fuck deserves a cuddle
          -but we had never fucked.
You kissed me goodbye at the train,
said you’d like to see me off when I fly to college next week:

that’s when I knew I’d fallen into
the worst kind of love.

Him.

It’s been almost two months since the last time I saw him. Al.

At this point, usually crushes have begun to fizzle out, but something about this one continues to live. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m REALLY not sure if I want to admit anything about it. But then again, I’m here writing this post. That means I’m at least ready to entertain the idea.

At what point does a crush become more than just a crush? What constitutes something other than a crush? This could all very well still be within the crush phase of things: I smile when I receive a message from him; I panic when I receive a message from him and wait five minutes so it doesn’t seem like I was waiting for a response; I think about him randomly throughout a day; song lyrics can make me smile because I’m remembering something involving him; I miss him in a terrible, maybe irrational way. Clearly I have something bad.

I’m very hesitant to claim it as love because there’s no telling if he even cares about me that way anymore. Kissing lips smileys don’t necessarily add up to “You often cross my mind.” Just because I’ve failed to let go of something that happened in what could be defined as a “summer fling” doesn’t mean that he has not. He’s in his 30s! I assume he’s more emotionally stable than me (doesn’t take much, honestly).

It just worries me that I’ve attached myself more that I’m away than when I was there. I just miss him and I want to know that it’s just because we shared a beautiful few months; not because I’m in love. That’s not a good option. It’s not the easily feasible option.

When have I ever done anything easily?

Still Making Mistakes

I need a moment to just let it all out. Would you humor me for a spell, please?

As you may or may not know, I’ve had and still am having a difficult time with this abstract, pain in the ass subject known as Love. I’ve had a few chances with men back at college, and I turned them down because it didn’t feel right. No problem: you do what feels right, right? Being here on vacation in Germany for a few months, I made an online profile hoping to meet people my age to hang out with so I’m not just on the Internet 24/7. And I have met a few people who aren’t creepy and that I would hang out with in real life. F, who I’ve mentioned in a previous post, was my first crush that might actually work in a very long time. I guess a year isn’t really that long, but it felt long enough. So I had reservations about even admitting to having a thing for him. Our relationship seems to have trailed off: he’s busy with life and I can’t be mad at him for that and I’m not. But while “courting” (I guess) F, I met someone we’ll call Al. Strictly friends is how it started and I was perfectly okay with that. He was on trips with friends and living it up and we were communicating via this website where we had profiles: super friendly and polite.

This is a terrible recount of my life, I apologize.

So I met him in person for the first time on a Saturday. He showed me around the nearby city he lives in, we watched some tv at his apartment, he made me a drink: it was lovely! And then he kissed me. It wasn’t hard to miss. I saw him and I thought “I find him more attractive than I figured I would” and it was just easy to be with him, you know? So when he kissed me, I didn’t resist and I kissed him back. What the hell, right? And that began the spiraling down. And this is pitiful and pathetic, but it happened and now I’m dealing with it. I have a crush on Al, and so many things scream out to me as alarms, but something keeps saying “It’s okay to give it a try.” I’m half-listening and half checked-out.

We’re at two different points in life in two different countries and I just can’t see it working, but I want it to! Or to at least have the chance to fail at it. I thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday and riding that train home all I could do was smile thinking about kissing him. I waited a few days afterward to contact him and we chatted less than briefly. I invited him to watch Despicable Me 2 with me because we bonded over the trailer and he said he’d like to watch it. So I was hoping maybe he’d try to make plans for this weekend. I haven’t heard from him. So I’m trying not to panic, but this almost makes me think that I was originally in my right mind. I shouldn’t be trying for anything with anyone at this point in life. I’ve a year left of college before I uproot my life in Minnesota and move in with my roommate out-of-state. I don’t have roots ANYWHERE and finding someone to care about in a foreign country may just be a heartache I couldn’t handle.

I’m at a loss. What I want and what I think are best aren’t the same thing. Who’s to say he’s even really into me?
I’m panicking because I let go and now I’ll have to pick up the pieces before anything even has the chance to happen.
Fuck.

This Is Personal.

I had a friend come to me with lovely news about how a really attractive guy we knew from high school approached her. And it reminded me of how magical I used to think the world was. She’s panicking because she has no idea why he held her hand and she wants to know but there are so many things that could be completely normal about this, and it’s a pain in the ass.

I’ve always been one to believe in fairy-tale endings and happily-ever-afters and that sort of thing. I want it to feel like magic when we meet each other and only increase with each day after that. I mean, sure, let’s make fun of me for these feelings, but this has been my dream since I was like thirteen. I’m literally like a twelve-year-old girl in a twenty year old man’s body. It’s rather weird sometimes. But I have this fear that I’ve already missed Mr. Right or, more recently, I’m not compatible with any other man on the planet.

And that’s heart-breaking and terrifying.

My last relationship was by no means a shit-show. Well, at the end it got pretty rough, but overall, he and I had some good moments. I won’t lie and say we didn’t. But this relationship did leave me afraid of everything. If I couldn’t make it work with someone who seemingly had their shit together; who claimed to be madly in love with me; who was willing to and had done so much for me; was basically willing to give me ALL the sex any time (because apparently that’s a thing some people desire: unlimited sex);and dealt with all my insanity, then how the hell could I make it work with someone else? So I panicked for months, trying to understand how I’d get through a breakup (because I knew I had to) and then love didn’t look so magical anymore.

I had given up on love being something grandiose and everything I ever wanted. I had literally changed as a person. I was afraid of everything. I was angry at everything. All this time I wasted, being the person I was in that relationship with a man who I never fell in love with, could have been used somewhere else. And since I admitted that I wasn’t actually in love with him from the beginning, I look at my feelings with a lot more scrutiny. I can never tell if I’m actually falling for someone, or if the loneliness is winning out again; if I’m desperate or scared. Stud, who I mentioned in another post was the first time I considered that I might actually be really into someone; the first time I had to let go and just admit it. That’s totally fucked…

So now I’m just a single, bitter man in the making. Nowadays though, I’m starting to believe in love. I couldn’t tell you why, but it’s so hard not to believe that I won’t have a happy ending like that. Where I’ve a husband and kids and they all drive me absolutely bat-shit insane…and yet I love them with every part of me forever. That’s beautiful, and I want my life to be about those kinds of things. So even though I’m in a bit of a slump, and it seems so hard to meet men that aren’t just looking for The D, I’m moving back into myself only with quite a bit of annoying caution.

You never know if something is going to work unless you try it. The fear of ruining something is stopping me from even attempting, and I’m working on that with myself.

Boys, Boys…Oh, Boy

It’s no secret in my circle of friends that I’m a person who is quick to attach to someone and slow to let them go. Falling quickly is only one of my fatal, human flaws. I’ve known about this for years though. My first real-time boyfriend from high school swept me off my feet, even though he was a pain in the ass with more baggage than we had arms to carry. But I thought it was love, and damn it, I was going to keep him forever; we broke up, dated again, broke up, dated…and broke up. Should I even mention the straight guy who was mildly infatuated with me, only to ignore me after becoming “an item” and then turning out to be a complete douchebag? No, I didn’t think so.

I’ve also had my fair share of college…whatever we call these. Delusions probably fits quite nicely. There’s the Cowboy, who I didn’t like, and then suddenly missed furiously and assumed I was in love with. That was a bitch to get over. But I did with my ex-boyfriend who I’m convinced is utterly psychotic. What’s new? I’ve always been really good at picking men-folk for myself. Once he was out, I was sure I was taking a break, but men seem to find me when I want them the least. This one found me from a class we shared. I had a slight thing for him in class, I’ll be honest, and I love him to death. We’re similar in a lot of ways, and it’s weird because I had a gay friend. But then there were feelings, and I shot him down on Valentine’s Day because I panicked…and I made out with him like three days before that in a hot and heavy post-Super Bowl frenzy. Not that I’m into sports, but he felt good and I thought it could be something! Due to my lack of confidence in being able to support a relationship of serious caliber, I nipped it in the bud. We now talk occasionally about only platonic things. And there was J, that’s what I’ll call him, who is hilarious and disgusting but in a less repulsive way. He is me and he is definitely not me. I liked him, but I could feel in my bones it wasn’t going to go anywhere. So it didn’t. It seemed like I got cold feet, but he didn’t stumble and I feel like a dick anyway.

Clearly, I have experience realizing things are not what I actually thought them out to be. So why do I find myself in this situation once again? I swear I’ve been fighting it as hard as anyone could do it. Online profiles list strictly friends, and while most idiots don’t read the profile, the few that do turn out to be cool, or sleezy anyway. But this guy is different. These GUYS are different. The different isn’t significant, but it’s enough to have me on an emotional roller coaster the past few days. Here me out?

Guy #1 we’ll call Z. He’s foreign, hot accent, and we talk ALL the time. He’s super sweet and is a huge flirt. He can’t help himself. First thing is first, I’m not that attracted to him. As I’ve gotten to know him via the internet, he has grown on me. He’s not stop-me-dead, steal-my-breath attractive, but he’s gotten cuter and I absolutely love his personality. And while he says he’s not really moving too quickly, I feel like he’s in free-fall trying to get into this cage with my heart. I enjoy him, but I feel like I’m being chipped away at. I don’t like feeling like I’m leading him on, when I know I’m not into him like that. At least I’ve told him, and he said he wasn’t falling for me either. Technically I’d be in the clear, but it’s not just him trying to get into my pants. Who would work this hard to get into anyone’s pants?! It’s been like a month or two! I wouldn’t work that hard! #aintnobodygottimefodat

But my real problem is here with Guy #2, who we’ll called F. He’s in his early thirties, and he’s got this look that is like sexy, weird, foreigner. He looks like a German and I’m totally into it, Jesus help me. This started out friendly as well, but last weekend, things turned up a notch. And I’m glad! But I’m terrified. Even though I could admit to myself that I found him attractive, I was clear with myself that I wasn’t going to admit any feelings should they appear. As we continued to talk, I could see those bitches trying to escape the glass jar. It was shaking and they were tapping. I didn’t have the lid on as tightly as I should have, and now I’m here feeling a bit lost. Over a boy. Again. I don’t think I’ll ever learn. We’re into each other, but we’re actually nothing but strangers trying to meet in real life and see if we’re compatible friends. There has never been a mention of anything else, but I’ve already played it in my head, ergo I’M DOOMED.

Do you see my problem?

What I need to do is be calm and cool about this. But I’m actually really worried. This Love thing is a really big deal to me. I’ve wanted to be a Mr. So-and-So forever; the husband, the father, the friend. It’s a dream of mine to have my own family; to get married and play house. So when I meet guys, I freak out because you can never tell if one guy is a better fit over another guy unless you try. Fear has stopped me from playing the game a lot lately. Two perfectly good men I’ve left out to dry. Is the same going to happen with F if things get that far? Boys, boys…oh boy. Living with them makes me a wreck, and living without them makes me desperate.

So what’s the difference?