It’s no secret in my circle of friends that I’m a person who is quick to attach to someone and slow to let them go. Falling quickly is only one of my fatal, human flaws. I’ve known about this for years though. My first real-time boyfriend from high school swept me off my feet, even though he was a pain in the ass with more baggage than we had arms to carry. But I thought it was love, and damn it, I was going to keep him forever; we broke up, dated again, broke up, dated…and broke up. Should I even mention the straight guy who was mildly infatuated with me, only to ignore me after becoming “an item” and then turning out to be a complete douchebag? No, I didn’t think so.
I’ve also had my fair share of college…whatever we call these. Delusions probably fits quite nicely. There’s the Cowboy, who I didn’t like, and then suddenly missed furiously and assumed I was in love with. That was a bitch to get over. But I did with my ex-boyfriend who I’m convinced is utterly psychotic. What’s new? I’ve always been really good at picking men-folk for myself. Once he was out, I was sure I was taking a break, but men seem to find me when I want them the least. This one found me from a class we shared. I had a slight thing for him in class, I’ll be honest, and I love him to death. We’re similar in a lot of ways, and it’s weird because I had a gay friend. But then there were feelings, and I shot him down on Valentine’s Day because I panicked…and I made out with him like three days before that in a hot and heavy post-Super Bowl frenzy. Not that I’m into sports, but he felt good and I thought it could be something! Due to my lack of confidence in being able to support a relationship of serious caliber, I nipped it in the bud. We now talk occasionally about only platonic things. And there was J, that’s what I’ll call him, who is hilarious and disgusting but in a less repulsive way. He is me and he is definitely not me. I liked him, but I could feel in my bones it wasn’t going to go anywhere. So it didn’t. It seemed like I got cold feet, but he didn’t stumble and I feel like a dick anyway.
Clearly, I have experience realizing things are not what I actually thought them out to be. So why do I find myself in this situation once again? I swear I’ve been fighting it as hard as anyone could do it. Online profiles list strictly friends, and while most idiots don’t read the profile, the few that do turn out to be cool, or sleezy anyway. But this guy is different. These GUYS are different. The different isn’t significant, but it’s enough to have me on an emotional roller coaster the past few days. Here me out?
Guy #1 we’ll call Z. He’s foreign, hot accent, and we talk ALL the time. He’s super sweet and is a huge flirt. He can’t help himself. First thing is first, I’m not that attracted to him. As I’ve gotten to know him via the internet, he has grown on me. He’s not stop-me-dead, steal-my-breath attractive, but he’s gotten cuter and I absolutely love his personality. And while he says he’s not really moving too quickly, I feel like he’s in free-fall trying to get into this cage with my heart. I enjoy him, but I feel like I’m being chipped away at. I don’t like feeling like I’m leading him on, when I know I’m not into him like that. At least I’ve told him, and he said he wasn’t falling for me either. Technically I’d be in the clear, but it’s not just him trying to get into my pants. Who would work this hard to get into anyone’s pants?! It’s been like a month or two! I wouldn’t work that hard! #aintnobodygottimefodat
But my real problem is here with Guy #2, who we’ll called F. He’s in his early thirties, and he’s got this look that is like sexy, weird, foreigner. He looks like a German and I’m totally into it, Jesus help me. This started out friendly as well, but last weekend, things turned up a notch. And I’m glad! But I’m terrified. Even though I could admit to myself that I found him attractive, I was clear with myself that I wasn’t going to admit any feelings should they appear. As we continued to talk, I could see those bitches trying to escape the glass jar. It was shaking and they were tapping. I didn’t have the lid on as tightly as I should have, and now I’m here feeling a bit lost. Over a boy. Again. I don’t think I’ll ever learn. We’re into each other, but we’re actually nothing but strangers trying to meet in real life and see if we’re compatible friends. There has never been a mention of anything else, but I’ve already played it in my head, ergo I’M DOOMED.
Do you see my problem?
What I need to do is be calm and cool about this. But I’m actually really worried. This Love thing is a really big deal to me. I’ve wanted to be a Mr. So-and-So forever; the husband, the father, the friend. It’s a dream of mine to have my own family; to get married and play house. So when I meet guys, I freak out because you can never tell if one guy is a better fit over another guy unless you try. Fear has stopped me from playing the game a lot lately. Two perfectly good men I’ve left out to dry. Is the same going to happen with F if things get that far? Boys, boys…oh boy. Living with them makes me a wreck, and living without them makes me desperate.
So what’s the difference?