.28 What Do I Think?

I can’t decide if I’m a complete person searching for someone to share this life with, or if I’m one half of a whole eternal being looking for it’s match. I’m both and I’m neither.

I’m the one to admit that I’m falling for someone and deal with what comes from confessions later, but I’m not the one to believe that I can’t do fine all on my own. Would having a man around be nice? Hell yes. Do I need him around for me to make the decisions best for me? Definitely not.

These feelings suddenly overwhelmed me and my emotions are kind of running rampant. I can’t tell which feelings are good ideas, so I write them all off as weapons of mass destruction: no man is right for this moment. As much as I’d like it to be time, this is not when someone will walk into my life. I need to make sense of everything I’m doing–everything I want–before I can entertain such a thought.

I continually find myself on the wrong end of feelings for guys at the wrong time, in the wrong place regardless of what I know. This is the story of my life.

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Him.

It’s been almost two months since the last time I saw him. Al.

At this point, usually crushes have begun to fizzle out, but something about this one continues to live. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m REALLY not sure if I want to admit anything about it. But then again, I’m here writing this post. That means I’m at least ready to entertain the idea.

At what point does a crush become more than just a crush? What constitutes something other than a crush? This could all very well still be within the crush phase of things: I smile when I receive a message from him; I panic when I receive a message from him and wait five minutes so it doesn’t seem like I was waiting for a response; I think about him randomly throughout a day; song lyrics can make me smile because I’m remembering something involving him; I miss him in a terrible, maybe irrational way. Clearly I have something bad.

I’m very hesitant to claim it as love because there’s no telling if he even cares about me that way anymore. Kissing lips smileys don’t necessarily add up to “You often cross my mind.” Just because I’ve failed to let go of something that happened in what could be defined as a “summer fling” doesn’t mean that he has not. He’s in his 30s! I assume he’s more emotionally stable than me (doesn’t take much, honestly).

It just worries me that I’ve attached myself more that I’m away than when I was there. I just miss him and I want to know that it’s just because we shared a beautiful few months; not because I’m in love. That’s not a good option. It’s not the easily feasible option.

When have I ever done anything easily?

Still Falling?!

Once, I was worried about falling for someone overseas because it might be a heartache I couldn’t handle. The good news is: I can definitely handle it. The bad news: I’m handling it.

Generally, a sense of stupidity is floating around me regarding this situation. I’m not pleased with this self-discovery that I have feelings for Al, but there’s not much I can really do about that. There are seven days left until I fly back to Minneapolis to start my senior year of college, and with every passing day, I get a little bit more freaked out and worried. But every day reveals to me that my feelings have escalated quickly and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m actually attached to him or because I’m attaching myself to the thought of him.

Regardless, it feels like I’ve actually fallen for him, y’all! Why is this happening? Why did this already happen? You know, you try to be careful and then you just stop and suddenly everything is to pieces. Someone asked me if i met anyone special while I was here, and I said yes. Vaguely so, I mentioned that they’re older than me and I did like them. When they said it’ll probably be hard for me to leave, I didn’t think it would be. But every day, I’m seeing exactly what they meant. I thought I’d be okay because I had an amazing time the last time we were able to hang out, but seriously, I’m kind of losing it and my heart is having none of my shit. It’s reached a point where someone would say it’s unhealthy.

At this point, I don’t know if I want to hold out hope that we make it over a long distance, or if I want to hope that all of this passes quickly so the heartache can be dealt with and life can continue. I do know one thing: I’m definitely going to miss him.

I miss him already.

Look Who’s A Big Idiot

So there was a change in the universe for like five seconds and just like that, it all reverted back to the usual.

I fell for a gay man who also liked me. I’m using past tense because it really needs to be past tense. In reality, it’s actually still in progress. So here’s the story:

I made an online profile before coming to Germany in hopes of meeting some interesting, non-creepy people to hang out with. Also, I wanted some partners in crime to go to Amsterdam Gay Pride. In the midst of being hit on by sixty-five year old men, I did find a few nice men to talk with. The subject of this story actually started as a friendship. When we met online, he was getting ready to go to the US and take a road trip with his friends. We kept in touch occasionally with messages. He’s a super sweet, funny, nice guy. Clearly my usual type. When he returned, we actually met in person. It was much more than I bargained for, but it left me CRAVING more. Craving, y’all. When he kissed me, I’m pretty sure I could have melted into a chocolate puddle. This is the beginning of the end.

Fast-forwarding through this story: we continued talking through messages after our first meeting. He traveled for work, and I live my life, determined not to give in too strongly to this feeling of “a crush.” But I failed, and just let it settle down over me. Before when it seemed scary, I started looking at it -looking at him- as though this could be really amazing. Recently, as in this previous Sunday or Monday, I sent him a message admitting to him how I felt about him (we had another meeting this previous Saturday). He was flattered, and admitted to liking me as well. The only thing: we both have the same reservations, which is my leaving in two weeks and living in a different country. He doesn’t want to put too much into an Us with me because I’m not here.

I’ve done some stupid things in my twenty-one years of life, but I don’t think they’ve ever resonated so soundly as this one. Who the FUCK am I have fallen for a German man, who is eleven years my senior by the way, when I don’t even live in the country, nor speak the damn language? For the past two days, the thought crosses my mind and I just kind of wince and scream a little on the inside. As you may know, it’s been a while since I’ve had a legitimate crush on someone who is 1) attainable and 2) attracted to me as well. When I finally decide to relax and let life happen, I get punched in the throat. Like, what the hell?!

All of this seems like I’m whining and being a victim. I’ll admit I do feel like a victim, but it’s my own damn fault. I can’t control my emotions. But it’s just very interesting to me how things turn out. It all seemed to be going so well, and then it’s actually something that I’m doing for myself that’s a roadblock between us. Have I mentioned that I fantasized about us dating and his coming to visit me in the states? No? Probably for the best.

Needless to say my pretend relationship is failing. We’re still friends though. That’s…something.

Still Making Mistakes

I need a moment to just let it all out. Would you humor me for a spell, please?

As you may or may not know, I’ve had and still am having a difficult time with this abstract, pain in the ass subject known as Love. I’ve had a few chances with men back at college, and I turned them down because it didn’t feel right. No problem: you do what feels right, right? Being here on vacation in Germany for a few months, I made an online profile hoping to meet people my age to hang out with so I’m not just on the Internet 24/7. And I have met a few people who aren’t creepy and that I would hang out with in real life. F, who I’ve mentioned in a previous post, was my first crush that might actually work in a very long time. I guess a year isn’t really that long, but it felt long enough. So I had reservations about even admitting to having a thing for him. Our relationship seems to have trailed off: he’s busy with life and I can’t be mad at him for that and I’m not. But while “courting” (I guess) F, I met someone we’ll call Al. Strictly friends is how it started and I was perfectly okay with that. He was on trips with friends and living it up and we were communicating via this website where we had profiles: super friendly and polite.

This is a terrible recount of my life, I apologize.

So I met him in person for the first time on a Saturday. He showed me around the nearby city he lives in, we watched some tv at his apartment, he made me a drink: it was lovely! And then he kissed me. It wasn’t hard to miss. I saw him and I thought “I find him more attractive than I figured I would” and it was just easy to be with him, you know? So when he kissed me, I didn’t resist and I kissed him back. What the hell, right? And that began the spiraling down. And this is pitiful and pathetic, but it happened and now I’m dealing with it. I have a crush on Al, and so many things scream out to me as alarms, but something keeps saying “It’s okay to give it a try.” I’m half-listening and half checked-out.

We’re at two different points in life in two different countries and I just can’t see it working, but I want it to! Or to at least have the chance to fail at it. I thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday and riding that train home all I could do was smile thinking about kissing him. I waited a few days afterward to contact him and we chatted less than briefly. I invited him to watch Despicable Me 2 with me because we bonded over the trailer and he said he’d like to watch it. So I was hoping maybe he’d try to make plans for this weekend. I haven’t heard from him. So I’m trying not to panic, but this almost makes me think that I was originally in my right mind. I shouldn’t be trying for anything with anyone at this point in life. I’ve a year left of college before I uproot my life in Minnesota and move in with my roommate out-of-state. I don’t have roots ANYWHERE and finding someone to care about in a foreign country may just be a heartache I couldn’t handle.

I’m at a loss. What I want and what I think are best aren’t the same thing. Who’s to say he’s even really into me?
I’m panicking because I let go and now I’ll have to pick up the pieces before anything even has the chance to happen.
Fuck.