.26 Why

I don’t want to speak to Him until there is definitive proof, without any doubt, that I can exist in that space without wanting to set it on fire or feel like I’ll personally be set on fire.

I still can’t understand how I’m supposed to want to talk to someone(?) you only hear to give hate, or praise something(?) you only know to make you out to be a monster.

God is love? Sure, I can see that. When you’re problems are the same as everyone else’s problems. When you’re already part of a body of believers. If you don’t fit this, then you’re doing it wrong. If you don’t know this, you’re not ready.

If He knew what you all claim that he does, why can’t he talk to me in a way that would, I don’t know, Work?


.6 What Will Become of Us?

Today we finally arrived where we need to be. This is the place my family will be for the next few years. This is where I’ll be for only 5-6 months, if I’m lucky, but the first thing I thought of after leaving the airport was “where the hell are we?”

I’ve grown up in small towns most of my life, but driving through wherever we did to get to this base was underwhelming at best. Also the weather is crazy humid. I don’t think I’ve experienced humidity on this level before. I enjoyed the last small town I lived in (where I graduated from), and it was fairly not-happening, but that seemed below that. But after driving around today, there may be hope for it yet. I’m not convinced this is where I need to be, though. I don’t think I belong here on any level, but I have time to figure things out.

Tomorrow we start our house hunt and I’m just hoping that we can find something very quickly. The sooner we start piecing together our new life, the better I think things can be. We shall find out soon enough.


Finding Where One Belongs

*I’m letting this one out into the universe because 1) The lost feelings are still mighty relevant months later and 2) It’s not as terrible as I originally thought.

I’m twenty-one years old and I still don’t know where I belong.

I’ve been a military child since I was about seven and my family has moved about every three years since then. It’s not the best way to make lifelong friends, although possible. But today, I really started feeling that there’s no spot in the world just for me. Anyone could sit here and write this post, only I arrived here first.

Recently I confessed that I have a crush on Al. He’s an older guy, thirty-one, but I’m crushing hard. Today I met him for the second official time for a little date. I was hoping that I’d be able to make it obvious how I felt and maybe get a clear reading on where he was with his feelings, you know? But I feel like I wasn’t the only one vying for Al’s attention. Which is fine: we’re not dating (although a guy can dream) so he’s not off-limits. But aside from that fact, I just feel like I killed any chance of being able to be with him period; one more place I don’t fit or belong.

– I was offered the chance to spend the night with him and to attend a music festival happening in the city tonight. I had to refuse his offer and ended up on a train home so I could unhappily go to church before it was officially stated that I could actually make my own choice without negative consequences. Thus, I didn’t get to show why I’m a good catch or anything. I didn’t get to dance with him as I’d hoped. I didn’t get to cuddle. I’m upset about it, not gonna lie. –

Back to my point: I don’t speak German, so why did I think that I’d be able to meet a nice German guy who I desired and desired me back? I’m probably not even coming back to the country any time soon after I leave at the end of August. I don’t really fit here in my own house anymore. I want to make my own decisions and feel certain ways, but because I’m under my parents’ roof, I have to follow the rules and all that jazz. Even at college, I don’t feel I belong. I hate my major; I’m not the most well-informed person nor the most involved; I feel like I’m the annoying friend when I’m not trying to be.

All these places I haunt regularly. If I don’t fit there, where the hell do I fit? I’m not sure I know how to find out. All of this is terrifying and actually painful. Al and I probably won’t become a cute long distance couple. He’ll never come visit me in the states. This is my last time living at home for a while because I plan on moving out and growing up. And college: I’ve only a year left. I don’t fit now, with the major almost completed.

I’m out of options and all I have now are a lot of empty places in my heart.

Still Falling?!

Once, I was worried about falling for someone overseas because it might be a heartache I couldn’t handle. The good news is: I can definitely handle it. The bad news: I’m handling it.

Generally, a sense of stupidity is floating around me regarding this situation. I’m not pleased with this self-discovery that I have feelings for Al, but there’s not much I can really do about that. There are seven days left until I fly back to Minneapolis to start my senior year of college, and with every passing day, I get a little bit more freaked out and worried. But every day reveals to me that my feelings have escalated quickly and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m actually attached to him or because I’m attaching myself to the thought of him.

Regardless, it feels like I’ve actually fallen for him, y’all! Why is this happening? Why did this already happen? You know, you try to be careful and then you just stop and suddenly everything is to pieces. Someone asked me if i met anyone special while I was here, and I said yes. Vaguely so, I mentioned that they’re older than me and I did like them. When they said it’ll probably be hard for me to leave, I didn’t think it would be. But every day, I’m seeing exactly what they meant. I thought I’d be okay because I had an amazing time the last time we were able to hang out, but seriously, I’m kind of losing it and my heart is having none of my shit. It’s reached a point where someone would say it’s unhealthy.

At this point, I don’t know if I want to hold out hope that we make it over a long distance, or if I want to hope that all of this passes quickly so the heartache can be dealt with and life can continue. I do know one thing: I’m definitely going to miss him.

I miss him already.

Still Making Mistakes

I need a moment to just let it all out. Would you humor me for a spell, please?

As you may or may not know, I’ve had and still am having a difficult time with this abstract, pain in the ass subject known as Love. I’ve had a few chances with men back at college, and I turned them down because it didn’t feel right. No problem: you do what feels right, right? Being here on vacation in Germany for a few months, I made an online profile hoping to meet people my age to hang out with so I’m not just on the Internet 24/7. And I have met a few people who aren’t creepy and that I would hang out with in real life. F, who I’ve mentioned in a previous post, was my first crush that might actually work in a very long time. I guess a year isn’t really that long, but it felt long enough. So I had reservations about even admitting to having a thing for him. Our relationship seems to have trailed off: he’s busy with life and I can’t be mad at him for that and I’m not. But while “courting” (I guess) F, I met someone we’ll call Al. Strictly friends is how it started and I was perfectly okay with that. He was on trips with friends and living it up and we were communicating via this website where we had profiles: super friendly and polite.

This is a terrible recount of my life, I apologize.

So I met him in person for the first time on a Saturday. He showed me around the nearby city he lives in, we watched some tv at his apartment, he made me a drink: it was lovely! And then he kissed me. It wasn’t hard to miss. I saw him and I thought “I find him more attractive than I figured I would” and it was just easy to be with him, you know? So when he kissed me, I didn’t resist and I kissed him back. What the hell, right? And that began the spiraling down. And this is pitiful and pathetic, but it happened and now I’m dealing with it. I have a crush on Al, and so many things scream out to me as alarms, but something keeps saying “It’s okay to give it a try.” I’m half-listening and half checked-out.

We’re at two different points in life in two different countries and I just can’t see it working, but I want it to! Or to at least have the chance to fail at it. I thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday and riding that train home all I could do was smile thinking about kissing him. I waited a few days afterward to contact him and we chatted less than briefly. I invited him to watch Despicable Me 2 with me because we bonded over the trailer and he said he’d like to watch it. So I was hoping maybe he’d try to make plans for this weekend. I haven’t heard from him. So I’m trying not to panic, but this almost makes me think that I was originally in my right mind. I shouldn’t be trying for anything with anyone at this point in life. I’ve a year left of college before I uproot my life in Minnesota and move in with my roommate out-of-state. I don’t have roots ANYWHERE and finding someone to care about in a foreign country may just be a heartache I couldn’t handle.

I’m at a loss. What I want and what I think are best aren’t the same thing. Who’s to say he’s even really into me?
I’m panicking because I let go and now I’ll have to pick up the pieces before anything even has the chance to happen.

This Is Personal.

I had a friend come to me with lovely news about how a really attractive guy we knew from high school approached her. And it reminded me of how magical I used to think the world was. She’s panicking because she has no idea why he held her hand and she wants to know but there are so many things that could be completely normal about this, and it’s a pain in the ass.

I’ve always been one to believe in fairy-tale endings and happily-ever-afters and that sort of thing. I want it to feel like magic when we meet each other and only increase with each day after that. I mean, sure, let’s make fun of me for these feelings, but this has been my dream since I was like thirteen. I’m literally like a twelve-year-old girl in a twenty year old man’s body. It’s rather weird sometimes. But I have this fear that I’ve already missed Mr. Right or, more recently, I’m not compatible with any other man on the planet.

And that’s heart-breaking and terrifying.

My last relationship was by no means a shit-show. Well, at the end it got pretty rough, but overall, he and I had some good moments. I won’t lie and say we didn’t. But this relationship did leave me afraid of everything. If I couldn’t make it work with someone who seemingly had their shit together; who claimed to be madly in love with me; who was willing to and had done so much for me; was basically willing to give me ALL the sex any time (because apparently that’s a thing some people desire: unlimited sex);and dealt with all my insanity, then how the hell could I make it work with someone else? So I panicked for months, trying to understand how I’d get through a breakup (because I knew I had to) and then love didn’t look so magical anymore.

I had given up on love being something grandiose and everything I ever wanted. I had literally changed as a person. I was afraid of everything. I was angry at everything. All this time I wasted, being the person I was in that relationship with a man who I never fell in love with, could have been used somewhere else. And since I admitted that I wasn’t actually in love with him from the beginning, I look at my feelings with a lot more scrutiny. I can never tell if I’m actually falling for someone, or if the loneliness is winning out again; if I’m desperate or scared. Stud, who I mentioned in another post was the first time I considered that I might actually be really into someone; the first time I had to let go and just admit it. That’s totally fucked…

So now I’m just a single, bitter man in the making. Nowadays though, I’m starting to believe in love. I couldn’t tell you why, but it’s so hard not to believe that I won’t have a happy ending like that. Where I’ve a husband and kids and they all drive me absolutely bat-shit insane…and yet I love them with every part of me forever. That’s beautiful, and I want my life to be about those kinds of things. So even though I’m in a bit of a slump, and it seems so hard to meet men that aren’t just looking for The D, I’m moving back into myself only with quite a bit of annoying caution.

You never know if something is going to work unless you try it. The fear of ruining something is stopping me from even attempting, and I’m working on that with myself.

On Jobs and Progressing Through Life

If any of you know me outside of this magical place called the Internet, which most of you don’t, then you’re aware that I’m very good at becoming overwhelmed by thinking about my future. My self-confidence is bad (much better than it used to be) and I just need frequent enough encouragement from my friends and family to make it through some things.

I’ve always felt the pressure that I needed to get a job. Needed to start working. Everyone else was working, sometimes multiple jobs, at my age and I was super behind the power curve. My mom always told me to focus on school: “School is your first job. You’re fortunate enough not to have to work right now.” And she was right. But as I’ve gotten older, as in approaching 21, I began to panic. Why is it that I’m 21 years old and have no work skills? That doesn’t seem right. If I don’t have any work skills, how am I going to get a decent job? Who will hire someone lacking ALL the skills?!

So this year, around April-ish, I applied to be a tour guide at my university. Just to try it out. It involved working with people and I’ve lived in my residence hall for three years so I was fairly confident that I could do this job well. I thought it was a volunteer position, but it’s actually paid! BONUS! I started working and I’d never felt more capable in my life. I was working, ENJOYING what I did, and had a little bit of extra spending money in my pocket. I thought I was doing well: I took that first step.

But now that Summer has set in, I’ve slumped down into my room at my parents’ house in Germany for a few months and I’m pretty much just occupying space. I recently had a job interview on one of the local military bases and it seems like it might have gone well. This is a terrifying experience for me. For some reason, this job feels like it would be different from my job under The U. I’m still working with people, I’m still getting paid, but it seems like this summer job outside of college is so much more real. I can barely handle it. BUT it is only for the summer, but it’s pushing me towards my future.

One of my best friends and I are moving in together after college, but we’re going to be newly grads, mostly poor, and doing things on our own for the first time. Clearly we have reservations and a shit-ton of worries. So while I don’t really need this job right now, getting it is definitely a first step to putting away money for this ridiculously new endeavor into Real Life.

All of these things are wonderful, but I’m still just as nervous as I am excited. We can do it -I can do it- but it’s much harder to look up at what’s to come than to look back at what has already been done.

I received an email yesterday saying that I did not get the job. I’m not upset that I didn’t, but I’ m upset that I wasn’t the most qualified person to apply. After I had my interview, I began to actually think that my resume, filled with volunteering and tutoring opportunities, would be perfect to work as a sales associate or customer service representative. Maybe it is, but someone actually knows how to use a damn cash register. I don’t know, but now I’m back to square one: no job experience, and a future coming at me fast.

Am I panicking? A little bit.